by endurance we conquer

What does it mean to you?

2012-02-07T16:49:00.002-05:00

"Never follow your dreams. Follow your effort. It’s not about what you can dream of. That’s easy. It’s about whether or not it’s important enough to you to do the work to be ready to be successful in that business." - Mark Cuban.............................def.

so far gone

2011-11-10T00:39:00.000-05:00

I don't understand why JoePa gets fired and McQueary doesnt. I, McQueary, am a graduate assisant, and I see an Assistant head coach raping a kid, and I tell the head coach, JoePa. The head coach tells all his superiors what he heard - but when it comes out that he didn't report it to law enforcement, he gets burned and he gets fired, because he never was able to realize the magnitude of the incident due to a vague description I gave him. He's not able to even fathom the serial nature of the assistant coach's actions because I explained what I saw to him in a "horseplay" context. He gets burned, scapegoated, run out of town after all the contributions he's given to the university - the winningest coach of all time, all the men and women's lives he positively influenced for 40+ years without incident - while I, who actually SAW the event occur, who actually had a real chance to GRASP the nature of what was occuring, who actually SAW exactly how the actions were being undertaken... who actually SHOULD have understood that this was something serious AND WHO SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THE RESPONSIBILITY TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT - I, am scot-free. I, who did nothing to appease my moral conscience after seeing the incident - I, a grown man, who did not report the incident that I saw, allows one of the greatest role models of our generation to get burned to the ground at age 80, his legacy and his legend scatched and engulfed in scandalous flame, because I'm a little bitch who was too ignorant, too scared, and too irresponsible to do something about what I myself witnessed. Instead, I let JoePa get crushed by the world even when there was no way he could have truly grasped what I saw. Because, he did not actually see anything and my explanations were vague and jumbled. If I had thought it was serious, I would've pursued it morose than to just report it to someone at work who is in management.JoePa gets fired - and I'm still assistant coaching the team.THAT IS UNBELIEVABLY WRONG.And I would never, ever let someone take THIS KIND OF FALLOUT, especially a man of his stature!!!! because of MY inability to act.I could never live with that.That is some shit.But hey - everyone chooses how they want to live.Shout out to Joe Pa - people like you, who do the right thing, without complaint. Consistently, and with longevity, and even in the face of death - death of your entire life's work - you retain your integrity, refusing to blame anything and anyone - not even trying to defend yourself from McQueary.Wow.Do right and kill everything.I never really had no one like you ... this all new, shit. made the world I knew bigger, changed the way that I viewed it... had all this fighting going on at the crib and you calm me down when I lose it... told you I think I'm done acting, I'm more in touch with the music - you said, either way I'll be a star, I could go so far... talked to me, and you got to me, you tossed the keys and loaned me your car - yeah, just a young kid in a black ES Lexus hopin' that I don't get arrested - just another kid goin' through life so worried that I won't be accepted...but I could do anything... you said that, and you meant that - you took me places, you spent that - they said no, we went back... checks bounced but we bounced back - i put all the money in your accounts back - and i thank you, i don't know where i'd really be without that.

do right and kill everything.

2011-10-27T12:10:00.001-04:00

"I don't know what sort of self-fraud you expect to feel that if it's I who name the decision you intend to make, it will be I who'll bear the responsibility for it... Perhaps you believe that if my voice delivers the final blow, it will make me the murderer involved... I cannot conceive what it is you think you can accomplish by a pretense of this kind, and I will not help to stage it."to do:$68 Million Budget Allocation, Expenditure, and Analysis Report and Consultation.Law School Applications.Law Studying.Research.Music.Tech.Gym."May the best of your todays, be the worst of your tomorrows... but we ain't even thinking that far."

rage and serenity

2011-06-04T00:59:00.006-04:00

"imagination is everything... it is the preview of life's coming attractions."

"but I can shape it, I can shift it, I can make it as real as this room. That's why I'm valuable here, Ivy. And that is why you are not. I am sorry. I love you. I never wanted it to be like this, you know that."

"It’s almost always wrong—for you. Hopping on the bandwagon may feel good initially but often leads to painful regrets years later. To reach your potential, you must filter out peer pressure and popular opinion; assess your own passions, skills, and convictions; and then be courageous enough to act on them."

"Have faith that, although justice may not prevail at any given point in time, it should generally prevail over time. When you do suffer an injustice, you need to be willing to step back and objectively assess your own role in these events. That mind-set will help you learn from inevitable setbacks and eventually bounce back. It will also help you stay focused on issues you can control as well as bolster your determination to act like the ultimate decision maker."

"Knowing that fire is not to be betrayed... learning how to give it shape, purpose, reality."

know who you are.
and where you are going.
...by endurance we conquer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6-wEuwEIpQ

winnnnnnnnnnar

2011-05-08T18:14:00.003-04:00

After Nadal lost to Djokovic on clay for the first time...

"The No. 1 ranking is not in danger -- it's finished. Let's not lie to ourselves, that's the reality," Nadal said. "Nobody likes to lose. I have to see what's missing and working with a cool, open mind to decipher things and find the solutions. To try to do a little better next time."

Even though Nadal still holds the number 1 ranking with a "healthy advantage" over Djokovic.

That's the mentality of someone who wants to be the best.
Stay cool.
Do work.
"TOP DOWN IN THE WINTER - THAT'S WHAT WINNERS DO." | Jay-Z

never. compromise.

2011-05-01T15:55:00.000-04:00

"It is not in the nature of man- nor of any living entity- to start out by giving up, by spitting in one own's face and damning existence; that requires a process of corruption whose rapidity differs from man to man. Some give up at the first touch of pressure; some sell out; some run down by inperceptible degrees and lose their fire, never knowing when or how they lost it. Then all of these vanish in the vast swamp of their elders who tell them persistently that maturity consists of abandoning one's mind; security, of abandoning one's values; practicality, of losing self-esteem. Yet a few hold on and move on, knowing that that fire is not to be betrayed, learning how to give it shape, purpose and reality. But whatever their future, at the dawn of their lives, men seek a noble vision of man's nature and of life's potential.

It does not matter that only a few in each generation will grasp and achieve the full reality of man's proper stature- and that the rest will betray it. It is those few that move the world and give life its meaning- and it is those few that I have always sought to address. The rest are no concern of mine; it is not to me that they will betray; it is their own souls."

remembrance

2011-04-26T22:15:00.000-04:00

i've always been something that these labels can't buy, especially if they want a piece of my soul... only i could see - it was the pride in me, that was driving me.

ragingextruder

2011-04-19T00:19:00.003-04:00

killed on the court today...
feels good to get close to where i used to be, physically, and to be at my best, mentally.
i don't even need my knee. i still got it.

don't regress. don't forget. keep pushing, being who you know you are.

gonna get there.
i swear, on everything.

I swear, on everything.

2011-03-25T22:36:00.004-04:00

Why? I've always believed that you will deserve only my best - no more, no less.
And my best is only through complete and undeceived self-integrity, without self deception, in pure and incessant consciousness, with a full commitment and belief to where I am going, why I am pushing, and to what I am working towards... and I need time to finish getting there.

"I can't base what I'm gonna be off of what everybody isn't, they don't listen...
just whispering behind my back.
NO VISION.
LACK OF AMBITION.
SO WACK."

Remembrance is key, endurance is necessity. -jduyoung

I think I need a reminder, here it is.

2011-03-11T10:24:00.002-05:00

woke up at least 20 times last night
bed soaked in sweat
im sick
first time in years

fml

Bounce right back... like magic.

2011-03-08T14:42:00.001-05:00

40 years ago today, two undefeated boxers fought at the biggest stage in the world, for the biggest title in sports...

Madison Square Garden,
Joe Frazier def. Muhammed Ali by Unanimous Decision in 15 Rounds,
for the title of Undisputed Heavyweight Champion.

And from there, the beginning of immortal greatness had begun... with a devastating defeat.

loyalty is vintage

2011-03-05T17:53:00.003-05:00

devotion to oneself is first, foremost, and absolutely required... then you can learn to give that devotion to someone else - and have a relationship, the way it should be.

duyoung forever

2011-03-01T14:41:00.007-05:00

"life is a short trip... the music's for the sad man."

"may the best of your todays, be the worst of your tomorrows... but we ain't even thinking that far."

"fear not when, fear not why, fear not much while we're alive - life is for living, not living uptight."

"so if you love me baby, this is how you let me know... don't ever let me go... baby."

"and i ain't with foreclosure, i will never forfeit..."

"did you get the picture yet? i'm painting you a portrait... of young."

...knowing that fire is not to be betrayed, learning how to give it shape, purpose, reality.
go beyond.

beyond

2011-02-27T17:37:00.004-05:00

FEELS SO GOOD TO HAVE SOME HOP BACK IN MY STEPPPPP :D
forgot what it felt like to be able to go hard... and have your body respond...
hoooopssssssss

wow.
blessed.
go beyond.

“God places the heaviest burden on those who can carry its weight.”

2011-02-22T21:59:00.006-05:00

I can always let it go.
Because I've been there, done that.
I've been through experiences which dictate that in times like these, I, get, that, dirt off my shoulders.

And I've always done it when it had to be done.
Sure. Maybe a little pain, maybe a little regret.
Maybe wishing I had more say in the matter.
Maybe hoping things could be different.
But... always correctly.
Justified.
In full conscience.
Able to progress in my life, knowing that there was nothing I could do in my power to change the situation.

But this time.........................
It's killing me softly.

Why should it be any concern of mine?
Why should it be my burden to bear?
It ought not be.
Because it isn't.
It is not my life.
There has been no promise, no obligation- whether immediate, contrived, formed, or developed.
It is does not impact me adversely if I remove myself from the situation.
It is not I who is being betrayed.
It is not I who would be deceived.
It is they.

It is I who may be vilified if I stay.
It is I who may be scapegoated if I stay.
It is I who may be blamed if I stay.
It is I who may grow attachment if I stay.
It is I who may be deceived if I stay.
It is I who may be betrayed if I stay.
It is I who may commit fully, only to find pain.

Yet, in that full knowledge,
I am finding it unusually, immensely difficult to dip.

6 foot 7 foot

2011-01-23T21:20:00.006-05:00

the actions you commit,
the everyday you live,
daily words that you speak,
small gestures that you give,
the aura you emit,
the birds or stones you flip,
darkness to which you peek,
light that you remit.

the everyday defines your values. defines your philosophy. defines your mindset. defines your motive. defines your soul - it is merely to be properly interpreted by others.
those you properly interpret, those who properly interpret you,
they are the ones who are you.
or who you've been.
or who you've glimpsed and want to become.

chase what matters.
be all that you can be.
and leave out all the rest.

I'll do it.. or die trying.

2011-01-05T20:44:00.003-05:00

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

-Theodore Roosevelt

Don't ever forget the moment you began to doubt, transitioning from fitting in to standing out.

2011-01-03T19:59:00.003-05:00

"Man is capable of performing miracles. A man can swim
the English Channel three times, drink a hundred mugs of
beer, walk barefoot on burning coals; he can learn thirty
languages, become an Olympic champion at boxing, invent
the television or the bicycle, become a general in the GRU
or make himself a millionaire. It's all in our own hands. If
you want it you can get it. Most important is to want
something: the rest depends only on training. But if you
simply train your memory, your muscles or your mind
regularly, then nothing will come of your efforts. Regular
training is important, but training alone decides nothing.
There was the case of the odd character who trained
regularly. Every single day he lifted a smoothing iron and
continued this for ten years. But his muscles got no
bigger. Success comes only when the training, of
whatever kind (memory, muscles, mind, willpower,
stamina), takes a man to the limit of his capacity. When
the end of the training becomes torture. When a man cries
out from pain and exhaustion. Training is effective only
when it takes a man to the very limit of his capacity and
he knows exactly where the limit is: I can do two metres
in the high jump; I can do 153 press-ups; I can memorize
at one go two pages of a foreign text. And each new
training session is effective only when it becomes a battle
to exceed your own achievement on the previous day. I'll
do 154 press-ups or die in the attempt.
We were taken to watch future Olympic champions in
training. There were fifteen-year-old boxers, five-year-
old gymnasts and three-year-old swimmers. Look at the
expression of their faces. Wait until the final moments of
the day's training, when you can see on a child's face the
grim determination to beat his own record of the day
before. Just study them! One day they will bring home an
Olympic gold to offer to our red flag with the hammer
and sickle on it. Just look at that face: so much tension,
so much pain! That's the road to glory. That's the path to
success. To work only at the very limit of your capacity.
To work at the brink of collapse. You can become a
champion only if you are the sort of person who, knowing
that the bar is about to fall and crush him, nevertheless
heaves it upwards. The only ones who have conquered
themselves, who have defeated their own fear, their own
laziness and their own lack of confidence."

B, B, B

2010-12-12T02:01:00.001-05:00

Bach, Brahms, Beethoven... in that order.

2010-09-22T22:22:00.005-04:00

change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly.

mmm... k.

2010-08-22T21:14:00.006-04:00

i remember what everyone said about durant... not gonna be a top flight superstar, just a very good player, maybe a few all star teams, but in a couple years. too skinny, too soft, too this, too that. oden over durant? great choice as long as oden stays healthy, because you neeeed that superstar center to win championships - look at shaq!!
total number of people i talked to who believed he'd be -excuse me, thought he was - a SUPERstar? - zero.

i remember what everyone said about ray rice... too small, not quick enough, not fast enough, played in the big east conference - not a big boy conferece, would get knocked around in the nfl... he'd be a reliable, solid backup at best - but not at starter no way!!
total number of people i talked to who believed he'd be -excuse me, thought he was - a SUPERstar? - zero.

i remember what everyone said about brandon jennings... too small, too soft, too unwilling to work with others, went and played in europe instead of going to college, too radical, too selfish, too standoffish, too wild... gonna take him a couple years to get tamed, and we just don't know how good he'll be - look how badly he played in europe, and how little playing time he got!!
total number of people i talked to who believed he'd be -excuse me, thought he was - a SUPERstar? - zero.

you think they don't remember that?

"the next time you see the homie and his rims spin, just know my mind is working... just like them." - jayz

"don't ever forget the moment you began to doubt... transitioning from fitting in to standing out." - drake

I remember.

2010-08-01T22:19:00.002-04:00

The first day of the rest of my life.
Going beyond, because I have to.

and imma keep it honest im so tired of being subtle.

This is who I can be.
...Watch.

peace

2010-07-05T00:49:00.008-04:00

after i got my car on thurs, i thought this would be a great fourth of july weekend.

what a damn foolish presumption.
...worst weekend that i can ever remember
so unimaginably ridiculously blown
man... i feel like some analogous variation of ernest shackleton

i guess we got the same motto though....
fortitudine vincimus

oh, and i almost took communion for the second time in my life today.
and, sang at church for the first time since high school.
"truth is the cry of all, but the game of a few."

when the grass is cut,
the snakes will show
gotta thank my homie nas fo' that though
savin me me hassle of speakin to half of these assholes
and imma let karma catch up...

focus.

2010-06-21T00:25:00.001-04:00

I keep thinking, how young can you die from old age? 
They always tell me nobody's workin as hard as you 
And even though I laugh it off, man, it's probably true 

yeah, and I'm just filling up this daily planner  - gettin busy cause I'm a star, no spangled banner.

when I find it, is when I find you - and we can do the things we never got the time to. better late than never, but never late is better - they tell me time is money... well, we’ll spend it together.

don't get impatient when it takes too long , drink it all even when it tastes too strong.

Right.

2010-04-04T10:16:00.002-04:00

acl reconstruction
arthroscopic chondroplasty
meniscectomy
microfracture
OATS procedure
...to no avail.

http://www.naplesorthopedic.com/knee.php
http://www.naplesorthopedic.com/animated_procedures.php

2 and a half years, and still trying.

the cosmos of the universe

2010-02-24T00:18:00.010-05:00

John,
Try harder.
Learn to distinguish your mind from it's surroundings.
Find, and be, the real.
-Duyoung

We often celebrate a life, appraised or touted as worthy on the basis of immediate societal standards...
Yet, history itself is mightily transient and unforgiving.

Doesn't mean anything

2010-02-10T21:35:00.002-05:00

i refuse - sense field

it's just one of those days...
it saddens me that i can no longer run or play sports...
that i can no longer play violin, guitar...

the only thing i can salvage is my wasted intellect.

"all at once
I had it all
but it doesnt mean anything
now that you're gone"

life change for us every single week, so it's good... but I know this ain't the peak.

2010-01-18T00:54:00.012-05:00

incorporating balance, discipline without implementing restraint or boundary...
no more whimsical reign of my desires, but freedom in control.

dreams. work hard every day.
healthy body. conscious eating every day, working out every day
imagination. practice scales every day... then go off. mtuw - guitar, thf-piano, satsun-violin
invigoration of the intellect. read every night - one article of substance, pleasure reading til i fall asleep.

can i make time for it all?

couldn't you see? things were never as you saw, and never are what they seem. sift through the imagery... look past the immediacies... look at the deepest notions of the depths of one's intentions, complexities, and workings to realize what things really were... and are...

"in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything."

you could never see what i saw in life
whats beyond that house, job, kids and a wife
only coming after sacrifice, pain and strife
but that sacrifice could take us both to... brand new heights

you still looking for the end of the rainbow?
time moves fast but you move so, so slow
how you live like you do, i... dont know
beyond the depths of this realm, here, we go.

“I’ll be happy when I close out this life-partner thing,” he says. “Think of how much mental capacity I’m using to meet the right person so I can stop giving a fu** about it.” - John Mayer

by endurance we conquer

stay tuned.

2010-01-15T10:20:00.006-05:00

can't wait to hit 25.

last years song of the year: lil wayne - comfortable
this years song of the year: drake ft. trey songz- successful

i get it, i live it, to me? there's nothing realer.

i want it all, that's why i strive for it.
diss me, you'll never hear a reply for it.

goin to the top, all the way to the top.

this youngin that you're doubtin is about to get busy.

dream chaser, risk taker, no favors

they might want me to drown, holding me down.

my reality just set in.
i do a lot of things hoping ill never have to fit in.
so trying to keep up with my progress is like a dead end

if im the only one and no one else believe it?
then keep it a secret
and watch me achieve it
cause i know what i want now.

if you the only one and no one else believe it?
then tell them to beat it
and watch you achieve it

and life change for us every single week so
its good
but i know this aint the peak. money, cars, clothes, hoes. i suppose.

i promise, on everything.

back to work.

Kurt Warner

2010-01-10T22:42:00.007-05:00

Kurt Warner is so humble and unassuming that a 5 TD game with just 4 incompletions doesn't even get picked up by the media, the way it would with any other quarterback. Nevermind that he has first-round ballot HOF numbers after playing first in the CFL/AFL/whateveritwas for 5 or so years.

even after he took a team way back then, the rams, to the greatest show on turf.
People don't understand how good this man is.
All the media was saying how he had to perform this postseason (and he has, and has probably cemented his HOF status) in order to gain entrance to the hall of fame. He UNDOUBTEDLY should not have had to prove himself again. He has better HOF numbers than most of the HOF QB's. He has better playoff numbers than 90% of HOF QB's (including a minimum #games/pass attempts). He leads his team with an unassuming, yet commanding leadership - he demands perfection out of himself, and will accept no less from others - as explicated by current cardinals, and past rams.

But he is so unassuming, with his body language, with his own emotive responses, that people reject the notion of his greatness - they see the body language, and even though the facts are undeniable, they are so murkied by their emotive responses to Kurt Warner-esque triggers.

What a shame. But Kurt's humility... wow. I try to be like Kurt, in that, I :x it up. Because the only ones that need to know are yourself. Because, doing it for anyone else... changes you.

out

2009-12-19T18:49:00.001-05:00

i want to push my borders, expand my domain.
1 year of purgatory
then let's go.

Covered in Rain, on a Beach Chair

2009-12-09T23:37:00.008-05:00

When I think about the death of my dad, my mother, my brother, myself, the most honest of my few relationships, the ones i truly love...
it gives me all the motivation i ever need.
mix in a little john mayer, a little jay z... for extra kicks

the recognition of the imminence of one's death is all you really need. I mean, Steve Jobs said it best in his stanford commencement address...

"This was the closest I’ve been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

Jay-z and John Mayer

they explore themselves, they explore the world, and they don't give in to any idolization of something already established, but rather, they seek all areas of inquiry for themselves.

No more rage, no more extrusion.

2009-11-23T02:01:00.006-05:00

in the midst of writing 3 last papers before finals... bah hum bah
but, i can't stop thinking about graduation. i can't wait til graduation.
i want to meet people who can show me how to grow.
i want to surround myself in an environment that strives to go beyond.
i want to be me, without having the necessary condition of solitude.
people who know real struggle, people who are real, people who are conscious and aware.
people who appreciate every second, every relationship, every moment.
not because it makes them feel good, not because of some undue motive or unconscious reaction.
not because of social pressures, not because you don't understand why, not because you don't understand your own credulity.

but because you've been made aware, because you grasp, because you understand the magnitude of every action, every word, every moment. because of the important things which remind you - reminding moments that aren't fleeting moments, but real ones which last and permeate throughout everyday.

growing up has been a process, and i've got years to go.
then again, you never know when you've only got moments left.
really.

so live out your imagination, pursue your passions, and ask out that girl of your dreams.
before it's too late.

when i look to the stars, i know just where you are... you're looking down upon me.
fire | dead by sunrise

Remembrance

2009-10-28T23:37:00.017-04:00

Sometimes we forget. Sometimes we choose to forget. Sometimes we instinctively ignore. Sometimes we choose to ignore. However, through it all, we always have our reasons. Reasons spurred on by a cause. Causes derived from a happening. A happening which occurs - why? Who knows. Regardless - remembering precisely, with objectivity, with distinct and clear perception, in relative view - is the key, to progressive revision. And you've got to be able to handle it. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's easy. Sometimes the hard part is the memory itself, sometimes the hard part is the honest objectivity. Sometimes it alters your mood, sometimes it reinforces it. Whatever it may do, you've got to do it with the correct mindset and correct intent. You've got to maintain control over your thoughts, or your thoughts will overtake you. In doing so - maintaining control - one can learn immense amounts of information about oneself, about perceptions (of self and others), values (of self and others), integrity (of self and others), and multitudes upon multitudes of lessons. If you've ever taken the time to write out your autobiography, to look back on the past in objective light - and not merely reminisce, but acquire new perspective - it's an immensely changing experience.

My only problem seems to be that my thought process is so situationally cognizant that maintaining the perspective I would like to maintain is a difficult thing to do - in environments/situations past where my perspective has been of a different accord. For the sake of being real, i'll say that one example is - hanging out with bethel people. I'm not the same person I was, but with bethel people, it's almost too much of a hassle to maintain current perspective. It's too much clash, it's too much separation, it's too much contrast, it's too much differential, it's too much "extrusion" from times past, from days of old, that it just doesn't work. It's the culture, the social stigmas, the environments. So either I have to relegate myself to a sort of self-abomination, or temporarily rid of perspective, and reattain it at a later time. Quite the predicament - because it's not easy to do such and reattain it, yet I want to be "me" because of the fact that I care about them.

Perhaps on a deeper level, the extinguishing of all fears and limits, the cognizance of one's absolute freedom, ...man, it only gives way to a state of PURE anguish. this is sometime i realized before i read kierkegaard, sartre, nietzsche - as shown in my blog posts - and im telling you, you don't want to experience that mode of thinking, that frame of mind, that perception, that reality. it's intolerable anguish. you probably don't know what im saying, but i tried to live in that mind frame, in the midst of pure anguish - but it's impossibly intolerable. you can't do anything at all. and maybe it's right, viably so. but it excises so much of what you can do, everything turns from real to ephemeral. joy is an illusion overtaken by reality. so, i choose to ignore.

And when I do things, my mind is always working. Don't mistake my actions for something theyre not. Probably 99/100 times, I do things by choice. but...
Rule Number 1: Never show your hand.

I act like I'm an addict, so wack, like I never had it, my approach so sporadic, but in reality it's a fact that...

"nigga i been missin, nigga i been gone, the shit that you just witnessin, i been on... and as for the critics, tell me i don't get it - everybody can tell you how to do it they never did it"
how come I always go back to Jay-Z? man, now that I'm about to graduate, I wish I stayed in Engineering and added Music Performance... I woulda been a sick wiz kid, now im just going to be a headcase. :] TOO LATE. :D

There is a necessity in separation.

2009-10-24T22:41:00.011-04:00

Blog Post Organizational Layout Reminder:
first, [tangible concern/comment]
second, [intangible concern/comment]
third, [rant]
fourth, [interesting read/occurence expository]
fifth, [rhyme]

First.
I should turn in my papers on time... even if it doesn't matter.

Second.
It's so clear to me that life's options are so wide. There's always a dichotomy present in everything existent, and within each respective existence, the range of possibilities therein is innumerably vast.

Third.
Why can't people grow up? I'm getting tired. That whole mantra about "living in the present" ... it's so misused. The present becomes the past, and people live in the present, with respect to the past. It should be that people live in the present, with respect to the future. Remembering the past, living for the moment, in cognizance of the future, for the betterment of the future.

I WANT TIME TO READ, TO DO WHAT I WANT, TO PURSUE MY DREAMS!
I can't wait until school is over. 7 more weeks til graduation.

Fourth.
I live vicariously through them. lol
http://similarlysituated.blogspot.com/

Fifth.
row row, row your boat, gently down the stream
grab a jacket, grab a coat, let me tell you what i mean...
it's cold outside, through time we die, and nothing's what it seems
so grab your coffee, grab your balls, follow your biggest dreams...

before you wake, before it's too late
before life as you know it turns out fake
before you sigh, before you cry
before you realize the lie only seconds before you die

Showtime.

2009-10-16T11:01:00.004-04:00

when I listen to Sarah Chang, it's invigorating. when I watch her perform at the same time, it's revolutionary. her absolute, supreme confidence.

even after almost two all niters in a row, 30 pages of writing, 17 graphs, 42 sources - I am WIDE awake when I see that lady perform.

Because I know - it reminds me with unabated directness - that, if you want to live, and not merely exist, life is a performance.

And it's always time to perform.

Better Never Than Late.

2009-10-10T13:08:00.004-04:00

i love norah jones.
any time, any place, any mood.

that's all.
gotta go... we were late yesterday, my dear.

Tecnomar Velvet 90'

2009-09-09T22:21:00.010-04:00

That's why I vie for the sky, every second I do dream,

Whispers pounding my ears, eyes scintillating with gleams,

Fingerprints leave traces, lips kiss out my schemes,

No longer expect yall to interpret what exactly I mean...

For a moment, split second, I too, forgot,

But better later than never, nothing, nada, or not,

Victims by the masses, shit, and I ain't tryin to draw lots,

It's bigger dreams, the only thing - everything that I've got.

peace

Feeling no remorse, feeling like my hand was forced.

2009-09-01T20:58:00.016-04:00

maybe its that i love leading yall on
but really its because, i know my words don't belong
think what you want, say what you do
everyday i never change keep it real and true

from conceptions, perceptions, the pieces don't fit
an "inherent contradiction" and you think that's it?
skip along, sing along, and not even one goodbye
gotta let it go.. dont wanna blow yall high.

maybe it's in my DNA cause i can't lie
and i can't say something i don't feel deep inside
my pride, it burns, and even through the silence, it yearns
but from pops, its already learned... true concern yields no return.

"but it's this game love, i'm caught up all in it,
they make it so you can't prevent it"

"but until then,
i keep the trillion cut diamond shining brilliant
i tell you half the story, the rest you fill it in."

God Delusion Review

2009-08-30T02:29:00.013-04:00

I'm so disappointed with Richard Dawkins - The God Delusion.

Sure it's great for the masses and on a moderate level of inquiry, but anyone who has already explored the concerns that he addresses in the book knows, there are deeper inquiries than that which he addresses. I'll be honest to state that if I had not already encountered all those arguments for and against God prior to reading the book, I'd probably think the book was an ingenious compilation of the possibilities for and against God. But having been through that, having already explored those, discovered those, argued both for and against those, it feels like he's speaking to the public's concern, writing a book that will intrigue the minds of the mass. And that's not what I was expecting out of Dawkins. In his own preface he claims to remove himself from the Stephen Hawking approach (Stephen Hawking was advised that for every formula he removed from the book, sales would double lol) but, it's real unprovoking to me. I thought he'd write about even deeper, more fundamental concerns, addressing a level of inquiry reserved for those who have "heard it all" more or less. Plus, though I agree with all the specified conclusions he makes, I don't always agree with the methodology in which he partakes to dispel certain notions (like his dismissing Aquinas's argument for believing in God - he gives a crappy short take on that. I've read better in textbooks).

Maybe it's he doesn't have those concerns, that level of inquiry. Maybe he's given too much street credit on his scholarly-ness because of the fact that he's popular - but that only means he can address the publics concerns. But I've read plenty of journals and books which address far greater concerns than that which he addresses- and with a more open mind, a less fundamentalist approach. Maybe it's precisely the fact that the book is able to appeal to the masses because of it's perceived complexity (but in actuality, is only moderate in the depth of it's concerns) that it has received so much acclaim and attention. I guess that something truly revolutionary would have difficulty receiving public acclaim, such acclaim would by default have to be reserved to a certain circle of "scholars or intellectuals" (i hate that elitist phrase but i dont know how else to put it) which understand the material much more indepth than the general public would.

Richard Dawkins - The God Delusion = not completely failz, but doesn't tell me anything I already didn't know or hear. And it doesn't allow for the conclusion of "the God Delusion" he makes, because it implicates that what he addresses in the book is a conclusive, compilation of the most important, controversial, and paradoxical concerns regarding the existence of God (and it's not.) If it was a comprehensive overview, he could most definitely make that conclusion and I'd agree. But there's more. And thus, such must be addressed. And it's not.

Too lazy to expand. Take my word for it, or don't.

Some Harvard fucks really are not the brightest of the brightest, though at the same time, some damn well are. But those who aren't? - they're just the hardest working toward the societal definition of "intellectual" and thus, achieve it. Doesn't mean they really are, in accordance to an objective standard (one which presumably is so complex that in reality, it cannot be properly executed in assessment within our limitations of intellect - i.e., we're too dumb to be able to do that objectively. That'd require insane knowledge of what it means to be wise, smart, and such judgment could only be made by the absolute smartest, wisest.) but I'm wholly confident in my assessment and review of this work, and as they say, it don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine (to one who has seen the spectrum of lights (at least, in part, and in greater magnitude than those who haven't.))

Relevant quote:
An nescis, mi fili, quantilla sapientia mundus regatur?
Don't you know then, my son, how little wisdom rules the world?

...Some things never change... (lol how befitting. just like last post and this, im going to end ALL my posts like this now hahaha)

Peace.

Desire, Relationships, Success.

2009-08-28T14:17:00.019-04:00

Blog Post Organizational Layout Reminder:
first, [tangible concern/comment]
second, [intangible concern/comment]
third, [rant]
fourth, [interesting read/occurence expository]
fifth, [rhyme]

First,
I stole this from a friend.
http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/1338858986.html
Absolutely hilarious. And honest. And I love it.

Something else I really liked as I came across...
"Fere libenter homines id quod volunt credunt"
Men readily believe what they want to believe.
-Caesar
...I suppose much hasn't changed...

Second,
There are so many desires of an individual. And I've found no proper means by which to allocate such desires into a hierarchical standing. But, outside pressures "force" your hand. Not because someone wants me to go one way, not because I'm pressured by society or my environment to do a certain thing. No, those are precisely the things I have learned to remove myself from, though they affect many, many of us. Rather, when I refer to my "outside pressures which force my hand" it is a reference to the lack of reprieve, the lack of possibility in reaping of fruit in certain desires due to the realities present in all the bullshit in life. Think about it. It's not the same thing as the aforementioned. That doesn't make certain desires inherently submissive to those constraints - it is merely the way things are, today, in this time, in my situation, in my environment of reality.

Third,
What are people driven by?
I know, that when the shit hits the fan, it'll be me and myself fending for me.
Doling out my efforts in relationships with others has revealed unto itself the precarious and fickle nature thereof. Why? Because, the way I see it, the foundational basis by which you live - that must be sound for things to extend from it. And for most around my age, we've not done enough searching into ourselves and real, real concerns to have that. Inquiries to purpose, life, questions regarding the nature of things, the perceptions, the derivation behind things that are. It's always covered up, by whatever means you are "naturally" inclined to. It's a "natural" response to compensate through other means, social means, relationships which are built with faulty basis. And the awareness thereof (of such nature of relationships and people) is a greater and greater rarity as compared to past history. That is easy to see - it's reflected through many little things. Compare it with texts of past, literature of past, lives of past. No further explication on this. Continuing, without this foundational basis, when "the shit hits the fan", everything is revealed, and all the cover up is repealed. People don't know how to react, people don't know what to perceive. Extension of self becomes secondary to protection of self. So called "selflessness" that one may have previously expressed - it's all in relativity.

Me? I'm a softie who tends to extend myself on the behalf of others, doling out trust in a guarded but trusting manner - perhaps thanks to my mother, and also because I realize that with one life to live, it's something I want - real relationships with real people. But the return has always been not of the same nature, not of the same ingenuity. Nevertheless, if such lack of condition in action toward an end other than oneself were to exist, it would be indescribable. What does it even mean? How is it even defined? On what basis does it exist, in accordance with rationality, logic? Or possibly, do such concepts have absolutely no relevance, no domain -within the concept of "unconditional"? Many, many things give off that same aura, the illusory implication thereof. But again, it's all relative bullshit in light of true altruism, selflessness. I wonder what that's like, to have it a two way road - myself included in that. I just know, I'm only getting married in lieu of that becoming a worked-towards-reality with my significant other. *gulp*, good luck.

Fourth,
I've no interesting reads lately, except for a new blog I've come across. It's okay, I wish they expanded more, but I can't judge because it's not like I expand very explicitly either. But it's because I don't want to, for numerous reasons.
http://cheeptalk.wordpress.com/
That's the blog. It's good stuff.

Fifth,
I'm not in the mood to create my own rhyme
but remove mood's influence, make it benign
sing your own song, step out of line
cut away from the grape vine, mood'll do just fine

"Damn. my reality just set in,
And even when the Phantom's leased them hoes wanna get in,
I do a lot of things hopin I neva have to fit in,
So tryin to keep up with my progress is like a dead end,
My girl love me, but fuck it my heart beat slow,
And right now the tour bus is lookin like a freak show,
And life change for us every single week
So its good but I know this aint the peak though,
Cause I want..."

"I don't want the glow, I want the glory."
Drake| Successful

See Beyond.

2009-08-19T02:13:00.005-04:00

Blog Post Organizational Layout Reminder:
first, [tangible concern/comment]
second, [intangible concern/comment]
third, [rant]
fourth, [interesting read/occurence expository]
fifth, [rhyme]

thoughts of the moment...

first off, i gotta die with money cause i wasn't born with ittttttttttttt.
=) now that THAT's out of the way...

second, everything, all topics of conversation, subjects of inquiry, distinctions, specializations of interest - whether they be self-imposed or socially imposed - are simply fascinating; everything we humanly define and distinguish through our constrained lenses as singular aspects, i see as part of THE most intricate, seductive and complex point of interest - life.

third, look past the smokescreen.
the problem is,
the smokescreen doesn't tell you it's smokescreen.
and if you've never been revealed to that which is behind the smokescreen,
you don't know that such smokescreen ever exists.

sigh.
dear reader,
point taken, inferred?
probably not.
so let me explain.

I expect out of others no less than what I expect out of myself.
And I've learned compassion, humility, composure in reservation of words from others; attributing a greater worth, a greater complexity to others than what is immediately perceived; and when it comes down to it, reserving judgment regarding serious matters, always because of the lack of real, true knowledge I possess about others; assuming no fillers unto the little bit I know, and letting the emptiness be emptiness;

and at the same time... an objective assessment does exist, and there are facts of the matter.
but the interpretation thereof as I see others interpret, is often primitively executed. sadly

then I realize that my self application thereof, of these principles, of interpretative assessment, is of a far greater extent, greater open mindedness, greater flexibility, and of greater truth than the application of those principles from whom those principles I had initially inferred.

It's always more complex than how you "see" it, if you strip it down,remove your stigmas, remove the false presumptions inherent in your interpretation, take the raw data of what has occurred, and the raw data only for the moment, see the objectivity, see the million different perspectives from which you can interpret it, input the variables associated with it, input the correct historical context, remember the proper prominently relevant aspects of the past, reassess according to proper contextual clues, proper insight, proper appropriation of legitimacy, worth.

then my dears, you hopefully arrive closer to the ... "truth" - the intended result of the "intentioner" to the recipient - all in full context, full perspective, full awareness.

that's how i operate. well, there's definitely more to it, honestly.
i don't talk like this, i don't go on and rant like this, because I know,
the vast majority won't get it, especially in oral fashion.
our oral language is so constricted relative to written language.
memory of what is being said serves to our detriment, as it can't hold all the components at once, for as long as need be.
the process of oral to brain to interpretation takes too long, works inefficiently, etc.

moreover, the ONLY response I've gotten talking like this is (barring a few instances) is
"huh?"
that's just the truth of it.
whoever I express my self to, it's gotta be watered down.
but watering it down invites your interpretation.
so when i water it down, i hope that it's properly interpreted.
but... no one can control the flow of water.
you can merely attempt to direct or divert it.
but it'll splash, spill, will it's own form.

fourth,
My fav HBR article. I like to reread it -
I have the paper mag, but i ripped these parts from some website so I didnt have to type it all out.
some personal points added, made within the brackets...

1. Managing your career [LIFE] is 100% your responsibility, and you need to act accordingly.
2. Be wary of conventional wisdom [what OTHERS, specifically those with greater constraint on their perspectives, say you ought to do or not do].
3. Have faith that, although justice may not prevail at any given point in time, it should generally prevail over time [KEYWORD: SHOULD. sometimes, you have to take matters into your own hands. at which point you better have the moxy to do so, the cognizance to recognize when its time to take it to another level].

Many promising professionals [PEOPLE IN GENERAL] expect their superiors [OTHER PEOPLE] to mentor them, give them thoughtful coaching, provide them with challenging opportunities, and generally steer their development [AND ITS NOT ALWAYS IN A CONSCIOUS MANNER]. Such a passive approach is likely to derail you at some point.

To reach your potential, you must filter out peer pressure and popular opinion; assess your own passions, skills, and convictions; and then be courageous enough to act on them. [EASY TO SAY, DIFFICULT TO DO WITHOUT RECOGNITION AND WORKING AT SEPARATION.]

When you do suffer an injustice, you need to be willing to step back and objectively assess your own role in these events. [ONE OF THE MOST EYE OPENING EXPERIENCES IS ONE OF SELF INQUIRY imho] That mind-set will help you learn from inevitable setbacks and eventually bounce back. It will also help you stay focused on issues you can control as well as bolster your determination to act like the ultimate decision maker.

"A little integrity is better than any career." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
[Point taken, though not quite accurate imo.]
/END

fifth,
i feel the heat, but i aint' scared,
replay the beat, just breathe the air

reinforce the faith, one day imma be there,
worth the wait, and ill lay it all bare

reveal the story, reveal the means
reveal the hardship, the mended seams

the broken sorrow, bent on my knees
run through the fire and it sets you free

you find the courage, after you go through it
though nobody believed, and you damn well knew it

packed it all on my back cause i could take it
let them point the fingers cause i still make it

short rhyme, but im tired, and this has been a long long post.

New Blog Post Layouts.

2009-08-19T02:11:00.003-04:00

first, [tangible concern/comment]

second, [intangible concern/comment]

third, [rant]

fourth, [interesting read/occurence expository]

fifth, [rhyme]

How To Choose The Best Partner/Career/Life.

2009-08-09T17:04:00.023-04:00

i reposted some from my fb notes because i felt my new rant (labeled 4) fits naturally between my old rant 2 and rant 3.
my rant 4 is mad unorganized but i just let it fly and didnt feel like editing.

DISCLAIMER: See my facebook for the full notes. These are recaps without the meat, just the bones.

FB RANT 1 RECAP:
The chance that you will simply have the opportunity to meet a SINGLE, NATURALIZED Korean American girl by the age of 28, who you deem compatible/viable (if you're being honest and true to your standards, without retracting into any state of self-denial, exercising a weakness of will, lowering your idealized standards, or any other such dishonest-to-self change), very optimistically speaking, is about 1.22%.
Ouch.
It's like saying that you have to draw a straw out of a stack of 100, and if you find the short one, you'll have just the chance of meeting a chick who you consider somewhat ideal. and there are no guarantees that she'll have interest, no guarantees about how you two stack up, etc. etc. and for 99/100 persons (with these standards), you won't even get the chance to meet that someone.

So I guess all you can do is place yourself in situations which will escalate your chances of meeting such. Meanwhile, you ought to attempt to discern and recognize those who you are lucky enough to meet, if ANY, and assess everyone as objectively and realistically as you possibly can.

FB RANT 2 RECAP:
I would gladly revise these life goals for alternate ones should it give me the best interaction with "that someone". So how do I choose ... when I don't know who that someone is?

I have previously coped with this by lambasting myself to death with goals in line with my EVER-SO-SLIGHTLY greater preference of corporate success, prestige, and intellect/wisdom via law school - all the while telling myself to live for myself (a selfish proposition at that, of which I won't be engaging in by the time I'm married anyway). But the problem is that this slight preference ITSELF is derived from the judgment that it will give me the greatest opportunity to meet "that someone" and also the greatest flexibility to alter my course of life when that occurs. So, basically, should it NOT be the case that this course of action, in actuality, will give me the best chance of interaction with "that someone", what do I do?

Some will say, stop basing your judgments on "that someone", and live for yourself, not someone else, and find someone that will fall in line with that. But that is not adequate to me in three regards. First, that is a selfish proposition, one of which I will not be engaging in anyway when I meet "that someone". Secondly, if that course of action prevents me from being able to secure "that someone", I'm screwed. Especially considering that those chances are slim slim anyway. Third, it doesn't solve the problem of my lack of preference. Of course there are some areas I will NOT be engaging in (I think) such as fashion school (maybe I wouldn't mind, actually), computer programming (wouldn't mind, but it'd take too much time out of my life at this stage of my life), but overall, I have no real discernible preferences. I'd much rather find that special someone, and do everything to exercise my own happiness and the happiness of that someone by making my course of future action coincide with such.

RANT 4 (new):
So I have a wide range of options to choose for law school. One law school will give me the "best" life. Objectively speaking, according to a normative value system judged based on success, love, and happiness, one will give me the best life. And there's no way that I know where that will be.
Doesn't that blow hard?

It would, except I don't live for those things anymore. When you live in complete honesty, it is a revelation marred by insatiable anguish, a greater perspective to the immediacies around us. And all which previously meant everything... you realize is nothing. My mind the past year had been obsessed with what consists of absolute reality- not relative perspectives or perceptions. Realizing the fleetingness and meaninglessness of our everyday actions to which we attribute loads of meaning. Why do we do this? Because otherwise, it would be intolerable anguish. In a fleeting instant, you will be at the tip of your death, and when you've got nothing left to hold onto anymore and you are honest - what did your life mean in the grand scheme of things? nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing. just as the lad in the street in 1780 in denmark, or the serf in he medieval days, or the neanderthal. more dust in the wind.
argue that it means something to other people?
in accordance to what do other people themselves matter?
if someone dies you never saw in your life, it doesn't change anything for you.
similarly, it doesn't change anything if someone lives a life and never sees you.
you are insignificant to them.
and relatively, you will be insignificant to someone.
everyone will be insignificant to someone.
if the earth blows up in smithereens tomorrow,
what does it matter to the rest of the universe?
nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing.

less God exists. except that faith entails a logical contradiction.
belief in God requires faith in the absurd.
do you realize how difficult of a task this is?
you can give many other reasons to why you ought to believe in God.
but to use the most cliche example, but the most relevant, .. the devil believes in God.
faith in the absurd is frlipping absurd. it is beyond my immedate realm of possibility.
to get there would be a long journey.
it would require toiling over scriptures.
it would require seeking everything i could in all my efforts,
everything for God.
no actions to an end other than God himself.
that means no success, happiness, love, anything.
no working to those things in it of itself.
and of course its easy to say, im doing it for God.
no, but it don't work like that.
because in reality every drop of sweat you place into those ends never is purely for God.
it is for another human in it of themselves, for a tangible entity, etc. etc.
and that's the damn truth of the bible.

disciples go to heaven.
pharisees don't.
civilians don't.
imposters don't.
well-intentioned persons who weren't self-cognizant of themselves don't.
because we are always self-aware.
we just choose to ignore it all day every day.
because the consequences to the contrary is insatiable, intolerable anguish.
with God as the only, and everything.

yet the consequence to our current courses of action is infinite hell.
provided God exists of course.
and if he doesnt
what doess anything mean? nothing nothing absolutely nothing

FB RANT3 RECAP:
the ability to objectively judge the proper recognition of worth of something we (sometimes unconscious or subconscious) assess. i.e., what it means to you. Through this objective assessment [objective = that which will maximally fulfill our values/criteria without any self deception, rationalization, complacency], we can in turn act on obtaining it and not worry (or worry a lot less) about consequences.

summary: By the mere fact that something is close/familiar or far/unfamiliar, we seem to add or subtract worth to the object (and sometimes, lots of +/-) through emotional delusion, cognitive rationalization, delusional imagination, lack of knowledge, or through an appeal to our senses.....all unwarranted worth which bite us in the @$$ when we realize our mistakes, or when we choose to be honest with ourselves.

But sorry to say...whether or not you have the ability to complete the task, along with the ensuing confidence to hold firm in your assessment regardless of pressures and the stamina to complete the task regardless of hardships - the remaining crucial subsequent conditions in order to ensure success - ... is a completely different story. ;D

The Brightest Thing I've Got.

2009-07-18T12:56:00.008-04:00

you only know what you see.
casting away as insignificant or unworthy something you've never experienced?
happiness with the generality of one's life, contending that it is something unique, something to be praised, something to be enjoyed - ignorance is bliss, indeed. what it means to you - it goes beyond that. such a life, no matter how selfless you live it, is still constricted to the realm of selfishness. because everything is from your perspective, how things fit in your view, what makes you feel good, what satisfies you. to what end? to what purpose?

i applied for graduation, and it feels great. i couldn't be happier having had philosophy under my belt. albeit, i wish i was at a better school, but the faculty here is well qualified enough - harvard, chicago, princeton, etc. graduates all with significant dealings in the professional world - delving into questions deeper than I had ever dreamed to conjure on my own if I had been exclusively some other major. Of course, the insignificance of being such a major lies in that such exploration into the metaphysical and epistemological is... well, shunned. Nobody talks about it, nobody recognizes it, except in that exclusive professional community. Sure you might wonder about the meaning of life, conclude in this or that aspect, but the depth by which you initiate those thoughts are nothing compared to the possibility of depth with which those thoughts are able to be developed. Why, when it is prevalent through everyone's lives? I say, the societal restrictions. all meaning is given by our existence, by our attribution to certain entities and things. there is no objective meaning to all that we aspire, all that we are content with. the finite world, in it of itself, has absolutely no inherent meaning. the principles, morals, and ethics which governed the world for hundreds of thousands of years past - all fluctuate in every period of historical time. your realm of perspective is limited to ...well, now. All that you see and hear about history is in the perspective that it is somehow, detached, a separate existence, and you believe, somehow, that right now, in the present, your life bears greater significance?
ignorance is bliss.

Kierkegaard's Fear and Trembling is what we're reading for our Existentialism class. He coins a term "Knight of Infinite Resignation". Resigning the finite in the acknowledgment if it's superfluity. In a way, i live a double life. acknowledging such resignation long ago, and yet, still vying for things in the finite. why? i don't know, maybe... i'm hoping for a miracle.

what else have i got?

All good things come to an end.

2009-07-16T22:51:00.006-04:00

http://www.flickr.com/photos/vania_b/3713628098/
That's refreshing.

Kobespeak

2009-06-14T23:14:00.013-04:00

Dream, Sing.

2009-05-18T01:24:00.084-04:00

i dream and i sing, because to feel? it's all i've left.
thoughts eternally spanned, from the heights to the depths
find it impossible to fear with the imminence of death
seeking everything i ever wanted and leaving out the rest.

hiss, whisper i could hear her notes every time she breathed
her song conniving to my core, slowly surely it did seep
broke my levees, a natural disaster and no way to break free
sorrow reigned to make me write, bound my heart to a plea

one crack i did find, a ray of light on the floor
traced my steps in my mind, my legs were far too sore
memorized the lines of life, remembered to re-adore
bright lights, cameras, action, the appeal of sights galore

counted down the years that's left just 1 then two three four
for the 3peat- to be number 1 til my life's reborn
said it once, said it twice, its you, you that i adore
but i'll ignore, first class sky high over the shores

knowing - just one life to live, had to go and make it more
couldn't live with myself always lying complacent in the lore
i felt jaded all my life, on my mind it wore and wore
tore my soul right apart, fell and stumbled out the door

abruptly light then poured, an illumination of my pride
wore it on my sleeves, thighs, felt the changing of the tides
imparted unto me visions reverberating deep vibes
not once was i ready to die, and instantly i felt alive

i realized, i'd been handed more than a first round bye
a second chance imparted unto me and no idea why
but i seized it, the old me was promptly cast aside -
i had to go and follow these visions held deep inside

that's why i vie for the sky every second i do dream,
forever til i die my eyes scintillating with gleams
coruscations emanating from my blueprint schemes
and i swear on everything - one day... you'll hear me sing.

Her Ignition

2009-04-19T16:25:00.010-04:00

right to the left, left to the right,
when she moves you see the lights of your dreams ignite,
so bright, it's like the heavens somehow heard of your plight,
and decided they might, have a little fun, tease you tonight.

hold tight don't look too hard at her angelic white,
or maybe, you might, lose every former inkling of sight...
her thought degrades your every history, everything that you write,
and even worse - you won't even put up a fight.

with the knowledge she exists, self-evanescence is like,
everything you've ever known no longer brings you delight,
everything you've ever known just flipped from wrong to right,
and her dreams only serve to keep you up at night.

how can you live in the past when you've seen the glorious skies?
the more you try to shy away, the harder you die...
she permeates through your lies, no matter how hard you vie,
and she's everything you breathe, hear, feel inside.

Kobe and I

2009-04-15T13:29:00.006-04:00

a clip from a Kobe interview article... link: http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=4068270

He loves marketing and advertising. In fact, he conceived and wrote a Carl's Jr. poster, which featured Jerry West, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and himself, and the slogan: "They Who Endure, Conquer."

Ah. The similarity....
"They Who Endure, Conquer."
i.e., By Endurance We Conquer, or fortitudine vincimus, as I have engraved.
Independent resonant truths; focused and assured conclusions.
Coincidence?
I think not.

...destiny awaits.

Frost - My Butterfly

2009-04-09T00:46:00.006-04:00

Thine emulous fond flowers are dead, too,
And the daft sun-assaulter, he
That frightened thee so oft, is fled or dead:
Save only me
(Nor is it sad to thee!)
Save only me
There is none left to mourn thee in the fields.

The gray grass is scarce dappled with the snow;
Its two banks have not shut upon the river;
But it is long ago--
It seems forever--
Since first I saw thee glance,
WIth all thy dazzling other ones,
In airy dalliance,
Precipitate in love,
Tossed, tangled, whirled and whirled above,
Like a linp rose-wreath in a fairy dance.

When that was, the soft mist
Of my regret hung not on all the land,
And I was glad for thee,
And glad for me, I wist.

Thou didst not know, who tottered, wandering on high,
That fate had made thee for the pleasure of the wind,
With those great careless wings,
Nor yet did I.

And there were other things:
It seemed God let thee flutter from his gentle clasp:
Then fearful he had let thee win
Too far beyond him to be gathered in,
Santched thee, o'ereager, with ungentle gasp.

Ah! I remember me
How once conspiracy was rife
Against my life--
The languor of it and the dreaming fond;
Surging, the grasses dizzied me of thought,
The breeze three odors brought,
And a gem-flower waved in a wand!

Then when I was distraught
And could not speak,
Sidelong, full on my cheek,
What should that reckless zephyr fling
But the wild touch of thy dye-dusty wing!

I found that wing broken today!
For thou art dead, I said,
And the strange birds say.
I found it with the withered leaves
Under the eaves.

Passion

2009-03-26T03:32:00.010-04:00

unending, undying, limitless, ceaseless passion. because once that dies, its difficult to revive. and once its revived, its difficult to sustain. and once its sustained, its difficult to remember, and once its remembered, its easy to dismiss.

hypotheses and rationalizations. amazing how these so formulate and further our progress in every aspect of the world. and with abundant cumulative results - yet without a proper recognition of the self's role in the method by which we derive them individually (because individuals usually hold them while the aggregate shifts on the basis of progress), we are fooling ourselves under the massively laborious weight of oblivious comfort, denial through ignorance, and a level of haughtiness we do not conceive to be in our possession, when in fact, it is an extreme level of arrogance to believe in the sanctity of your conflated existence - which you do believe in, and you don't even realize.

Best Jay-Z Lyrics

2009-03-17T19:29:00.005-04:00

Swear to everything when I leave this earth It's gon' be on both feet, never knees in the dirt
You could try me fucka but when I squeeze it hurts, fine We'll lose two lives, yours and mines

Since I was 4 years old, I been told, everything that glitters ain't gold. And now that I've arrived I see those truths unfold before my eyes in this world so cold
- lucky me

"Nothin to gain and a whole lot to lose" you still singing fool
- feelin it

"Was born in the belly that's the way the streets breed you
One life to live - notice you get no sequel
So I truly got to live this like my last movie"
-hola hovito

"You don't know.. what you're doing, doing, doing, doing.."
Sure I do..
I tell you the difference between me and them
They trying to get they ones, I'm trying to get them M's
One million, two million, three million, four
In just five years, forty million more
You are now looking at the forty million boy
I'm rapping Def Jam 'til I'm the hundred million man

Momma ain't raised no fool
Put me anywhere on God's green earth, I'll triple my worth
Motherfucker - I, will, not, lose
- u don't know

oh - you're not feeling me?
Fine; it cost you nothing - pay me no mind
Look, I'm on my grind cousin, ain't got time for fronting
-heart of the city

that’s how it is now, uh
that’s how it always be, uh
I’ll never change this is always me
from the womb to the tomb
from now to my doom
-never change

We was together on the block since free lunch
We shoulda been together havin 4 Seasons brunch

Though I can't let you know it, pride won't let me show it
Pretend to be heroic, that's just one to grow with
But deep inside a nigga so sick

I don't know what made me leave that shit
Made me speed that quick, let me see - that's it
It was the cheese helped them bitches get amnesia quick
I used to cut up they buddies, now? they sayin they love me
Used to tell they friends I was ugly and wouldn't touch me
Then I showed up in that dubbed out buggy
And then they got FUZZY and they don't remember that
And .............I don't remember you.

Shit I'm a man with pride, you don't do shit like that
You don't just pick up and leave and leave me sick like that
You don't throw away what we had, just like that
-song cry

What he said, I said, has been said before
"Just keep doin your thing," he said, say no more
- a dream

I'm "Rated R," my brain contains graphics thangs
- the watcher 2 (rakim)

Cuz mami's a rida, and I'm a rolla
Put us togetha, how they gon' stop both us?
Whateva she lacks, I'm right over her shoulder
When I'm off track mami is keepin' me focused
So let's lock this down like it's supposed to be
The '03 Bonnie and Clyde, Hov' and B, holla

Put this on my life
The air that I breathe in, all that I believe in
I promise I'll give my life
My love and my trust
-03 bonnie and clyde

And more, much more than this; I did it myyyyyy wayyyyyyy
-i did it my way

chasin this cheddar, to the end
of the road because the end I'm told is nearer than we know
What can I say but live for today

Yeah, "The Blueprint 2" homey, follow the moves
You put on two tube socks, you couldn't walk in my shoes
I was dealt a bad hand, fuck what else could I do
but keep somethin up my sleeve that'll help me through

I was out there sellin hope for despair, but stop there
I swear, I only make good from my mouth to God's ears
-diamond is forever

Cause the nigga wear a coofie, it don't mean that he bright
Cause you don't understand him, it don't mean that he nice
It just means you don't understand all the bullshit that he write
Is it "Oochie Wally Wally" or is it "One Mic"?
Is it "Black Girl Lost" or shorty owe you for ice?
I've been real all my life, they confuse it with deceit
Since I will not lose, they try to help him cheat
But I will not lose, for even in defeat
There's a valuable lesson learned, so it evens it up for me
When the grass is cut, the snakes will show
I gotta thank the little homie Nas for that though
Saving me the hassle of speaking to half of these assholes
And I'ma let karma catch up...
-blueprint 2

And I feel like I'm just writing my life away
I never thought shit could end up quite this way
There's a war going on outside no man is safe from
I'm here for the good fight only the fakes run
I'm here for the purple heart, if I cant take one
For my team or my siblings whats my reason for living?
-a ballad for the fallen soldier

They say "they never really miss you til you dead or you gone"
So on that note i'm leaving after the song
So you ain't gotta feel no way about Jay so long
At least let me tell you why i'm this way, Hold on

With that distain in my membrain
Got on my pimp game
Fuck the world my defense came

we don't sleep we rest one eye up
And a drought can define a man, when the well dries up
You learn to work the water without workin, of thirst you'll die YUP
-december 4th

Young did it to death, you gotta love it
Record companies told me I couldn't cut it
Now look at me, all star-studded
-encore

Feelin no remorse, feelin like my hand was forced
Middle finger to the law, nigga grip'n my balls

Me and my beautiful beeeeeeeitch in the back of that 'Bach
I'm the realest that run it, I just happen to rap
-dirt off your shoulder

Thank God for grantin me this moment of clarity
This moment of honesty
The world'll feel my truths

must decide what's most impor-tant
And i can't help the poor if i'm one of them
So i got rich and gave back
To me that's the win, win
The next time you see the homie and his rims spin
Just know my mind is workin just like them
-moment of clarity

If you're havin' girl problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one

I'm like fuck critics you can kiss my whole asshole
If you don't like my lyrics you can press fast forward

But ain't nothin sweet 'bout how I hold my gun
I got 99 problems - being a bitch ain't one.
-99 problems

Man my brother hustled so, naturally
Up next is me, but what perplexes me
Shit I know how this movie ends, still I play
the starrin role in "Hovito's Way"

By any means necessary, whatever the cost
Even if it means lives is lost..
And I can't explain why, I just love to get high
Drink life, smoke the blueberry sky, blink twice
I'm in the blueberry 5, you blink three times
I may not even be alive
-allure

Words is slurring engine purring
Mami fronting but I'm so determined
-show me what you got

I ain't a bitch but I gotta divorce them
Hov have to get the shallow shit up off him

When you could look in the mirror like, "There I am"
And still not see, what you've become
I know I'm guilty of it too but, not like them

Lose one, let go to get one
Left one, lose some to win some (You lost one)
Story of a champion, sorry I'm a champion
You lost one

Gonna see you again, I'm sure of it
-lost one

Life is but a dream to me
I don't wanna wake up
Thirty odd years without having my cake up
So I'm about my paper
24/7, 365,366 in a leap year
I don't know why we here
Since we gotta be here
Life is but a beach chair

I'm not afraid of dying
I'm afraid of not trying
Everyday hit every wave
Like I'm Hawaiian

Some said HOV, how you get so fly
I said from not being afraid to fall out the sky
My physical's a shell
So when I say farewell
My soul will find an even
Higher plane to dwell
So fly you shall
So have no fear, just know that
Life is but a beach chair

This is Jay everyday
No compromise
No compass comes with this life
Just eyes
So to map it out
You must look inside
Sure books can guide you
But your heart defines you
-beach chair

God be with us all

2009-03-14T14:43:00.009-04:00

to those who don't understand the laws which govern your actions,
to those who don't understand the worldviews which shape your perceptions,
to those who don't take the time to question the essence of your embodiment,
to those who don't take the prerogative to revise your representative substance,
to those who don't aim to create their own purpose and lack inspiration,
to those who don't aim to challenge themselves and their inner tenets,
to those who don't comprehend the fleeting imminence of your immediate surroundings,
to those who don't comprehend the lack of comprehension we all, in reality, possess,
to those who don't attempt a greater understanding of all things perceptible,
to those who don't attempt a greater accomplishment upon your innate potential,
to those who simply don't have no recognition to care...

...may God be with us all.

Remembrance

2009-03-10T03:37:00.005-04:00

To not forget about the imminence of death, the fleetingness of life, the (perceived) impossibility of any alteration of the past, and the future which has yet to come.
In addition to the joys, the loves, the gifts, the blessings, the gratitude, and the plans of which God has made.
I've been very fortunate to be in the situation where I am in this moment in time, all the while minimal effort was put forth. I am quite undeserving in many regards, though I will not rescind any blessing as of this moment to a non-existent attribute such as luck.
It's been long, and you always have only one chance to make tomorrow, because before long, it will become yesterday.
And when it becomes yesterday, you want absolutely no regrets.

My fortune cookie today said I will get what I want and be disappointed.
And I think it basically happened.

Which is why, I want something else now. Something greater, to which I've found no fault.
=))

No compromise

2009-03-08T22:59:00.003-04:00

ah, the perils of life, the joys of life, and the frictions that occur in between.
reminder to self: don't you even think about a compromise.
<3 muahh. bye world!

Freedom

2009-03-02T22:00:00.010-05:00

I now realize that for me, it was not an issue of confidence. I am glad that my reservations on that conclusion have turned out to have merit.

I had believed that perhaps my inability of action upon my abilities was due partly to a lack of confidence. But in many, many situations, I was able to extrude that confidence with ease, as a derivative of my personality, which is in fact, full to the brim in the confidence department. But from my initial inquiries to this problem, it was difficult to attribute my inability of full, capable action to anything else. And so I reluctantly, yet with initiative, entertained the concept that I had misjudged my level of confidence and that it's level eminent in myself was misperceived.

But as I attempted to further my confidence, that conclusion turned more and more unsatisfactory. I am never scared, I am never doubting of my abilities, and I was more certain that this explanation, though satisfactory in many cases around me, did not apply to me.

Then what could it be? To answer this, I looked at those who enacted success around me. The cause was difficult to see at first, because I looked at it from an objective standpoint, examining Caucasians, Blacks, and Asians altogether. Upon doing so, no other encompassing attribute other than confidence seemed to affect one's ability to action. And this was not satisfactory. Furhter dissatisfied, I narrowed my sample to examine only Koreans, those who grew up in the same circumstances, those who were exposed to the same circumstantial mediums. It seemed odd, but I had no other choice, because I could no longer attribute unaction to a self-misperceived judgment of my level of confidence.

I'll get more to the point.

I now am certain of the cause, and it has to do with cultural upbringing. Relegation of self to hierarchy in Korean culture emanates to one's daily interactions. As a child being raised in Korean culture, had we been in Korea, it may be undetrimental to one's ability to enact on oneself's abilities and create success according to one's abilities. The structure of that society is such that it is not only proper, but essential in order to achieve success. But in a capitalistic society with different values, different structure, and freedom of action, it is a whole different story. It is, indeed, very detrimental. Those years we were brought up and taught Korean social order and hierarchy, it has seeped through to produce a depriortization of self. Then I noticed that most "white" Koreans have less of this problem of enactment of one's will. So I inquired to that. Rather, they have, relatively, a greater sense of entitlement, less initiative to please, but more initiative to act on one's own desires as their unconscoius top priority. Their cultural standards were cognizant of Korean constructs, but they lived in the American social cultural construct. This made sense. And then, though I know my sample size is small, it seemed that most or all of those "white" Koreans happened to be female. Again, I asked, why? This is probably only one of many possible explanations, but to me, it seemed that the physical reprimand and responsibility to hierarchy greater relegated for male Koreans was the cause. This semi-conscoiusly forced males to have a greater of recognition of the Korean culture, the hierarchy, and the appeasement of the others, because in their upbringing, there was a greater consequence to physical and verbal reprimand, to which we responded by a self de-prioritization.

This realization was stunning to me. The more I milked this idea (and theres more to it of course, but I don't have the time nor effort to explicate it further), the more it rang true, and without any reservation this time. My fears and seeking to those things comfortable to myself had to do with my unconscious reactions, my cultural instincts of which did not apply outside of a Korean social construct, and not my confidence. Yet, your body does not instinctively recognize circumstantial surroundings and react, but reacts to that which it has been trained, to recognize such without discrimination. That is my quick explanation.

But THAT is why I had shied from girls, white girls, professors of my elder, etc. etc.
And I now know why, and I am fully cognizant of it's detrimental implications and fully convinced of it's truth.

And funny how quickly one can adapt. When I look at a Caucasian girl now, I have no reservation, I don't shy away, I am thoroughly confident. I am cognizant of my Asian race, but I am thorughyl confident that I can "get with them". or such. (Maybe I shouldn't write this up on a public blog, but it's true and I have no reason to shy away from my personal fact.) My confidence to Asian women is now the same as well. My confidence to professors is fully thorough, and I am able to fully interact without that feeling of authority or self-reservation.

And to my recognition of the reason for my inability of enactment, coupled with an awareness of that beyond my immediate perceptual limitations, and an unwavering confidence in my abilities, I am now able to strip down my cultural instinctive reactions, and let myself emanate through, and thus let my abilities emanate through. And, I promise, I will do it. Because I have to. I could not live with myself, I could not live, otherwise. Damages have occurred due to my lack of maturation in these regards and my lack of cognizance, but the future has yet to happen. Now, I feel that my only restrictions are the extent of my capabilities, not anything else. (Okay I lied... smart, beautiful women. hehehe) Well, at least I know now that not even that very problem of culturally derived restriction will have no bearing on my abilities when in the past, the constrictions of it's effects had consequences of large chain-reactionary proportions.

And, to that,
to the sky we go.

Thanks, philosophy.
I love this blog. It lets me re-read, remember and progress.

Hey There Delilah.

2009-02-28T18:25:00.019-05:00

divine design, refine, define.. 09
second wind, start again.. 2010
work now, later heaven.. 2011
turn it up, ready to delve.. 2012
no pain, no gain, year of the morphine.. 2013
conscious lean, keep it clean, remember your dreams.. 2014
set the scheme, and follow through mean.. 2015
fall out of routine, go and get that green.. 2016

wherever it takes me, I'll go.

Hey there Delilah, don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely, give this song another listen
...close your eyes.
listen to my voice, it's my disguise... I'm by your side

Oh, it's what you do to me, oh, it's what you do to me.
Oh, it's what you do to me, oh, it's what you do to me.
What you do to me.

Hey there Delilah, I know the times are getting hard
but just believe me girl, one day I'll pay the bills with this guitar
...we'll have it good.
we'll have the life we knew we would... my word is good.

Oh, it's what you do to me, oh, it's what you do to me.
Oh, it's what you do to me, oh, it's what you do to me.
What you do to me.

Hey there Delilah, you be good and don't you miss me
two more years and you'll be done with school and I'll be making history
...like I do...
you'll know it's all because of you
we can do whatever we want to
hey there Delilah here's to you
this one's for you.

Why do I absolutely love this song? It's a song about a boy, his dreams and his passion. And all he has is himself and his guitar. No one is there to believe in him, no one has any such reason to believe in him. There is nothing to give any inkling to the truth content of his words, yet still, stilll, he believes in himself and believes in the promise he makes to his beloved girl.. and does so with a rock-solid unwavering conviction.

And, because of the fact that you're listening to the song, you know, ...he's made it happen, thereby making every word of that song ring that much greater, with that much more resonance. And then you realize that, when he initially wrote and performed the song to his beloved, he himself never had a drop of uncertainty in the very truth content of his explications, even though he probably didn't have a cent in his pocket, nevermind a record deal, and that if he were to explicate this to anyone else, the world would have laughed at him with disdain. Even the recipient of that belief, the girl, probably didn't believe him. And if she did, it was likely a strong desire to believe, but wariness and caution accompanied to it...not the type of belief the boy himself had in his words. Nevertheless, he didn't allow anyone or anything, and even time itself, to dictate his life. Rather, he created his future, fueled by a deep rooted desire, enriched and thriving passion, and most of all, a pure conviction in his love.

That's what makes this song one of my absolute all-time favorites.

FTW

2009-02-27T03:23:00.005-05:00

wasn't really playing games, I was scrimmaging
air jordans out the box, slip my flippers in
jetpack strapped so either run, fly, or swim
i'll do, whatever it takes til the lights go dim.

FTW.

Plead

2009-02-22T23:52:00.012-05:00

I am confined and cannot escape; my eyes are dim with grief. I call to you, O Lord, every day; I spread out my hands to you... I cry to you for help, O Lord; in the morning my prayer comes before you. Why, O Lord, do you reject me and hide your face from me?

How long, O Lord? Will you hide yourself forever? How long will your wrath burn like fire? Remember how fleeting is my life. For what futility you have created all men! What man can live and not see death, or save himself from the power of the grace? O Lord, where is your former great love, which in your faithfulness you swore to David? Remember, Lord, how your servant has been mocked, how I bear in my heart the taunts of all the nations, the taunts with which your enemies have mocked, O Lord, with which they have mocked every step of your anointed one.

Hear my prayer, O Lord; let my cry for help come to you. Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me; when I call, answer me quickly. For my days vanish like smoke; my bones burn like glowing embers. My heart is blighted and withered like grass.

My soul faints with longing for your salvation, but I have put my hope in your word. My eyes fail, looking for your promise; I say, "When will you comfort me?" Though I am like a wineskin in the smoke, I do not forget your decrees. How long must your servant wait? When will you punish my persecutors? The arrogant dig pitfalls for me, contrary to your law. All your commands are trustworthy; help me, for men persecute me without cause. They have almost wiped me from the earth, but I have no forsaken your precepts. Preserve my life according to your love, and I will obey the statutes of your mouth.

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. I have taken an oath and confirmed it, that I will follow your righteous laws. I have suffered much. preserve my life, O Lord, according to your word.

I call with all my heart; answer me, O Lord, and I will obey your decrees. I call out to you; save me and I will keep your statutes. I rise before dawn and cry for help; I have put my hope in your word. My eyes stay open through the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promises. Hear my voice in accordance with your love; preserve my life, O Lord, according to your laws.

Look upon my suffering and deliver me, for I have not forgotten your law. Defend my cause and redeem me; preserve my life according to your promise. Salvation is far from the wicked, for they do not seek out your decrees.

Seven times a day I praise you for your righteous laws. Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble. I wait for your salvation, O Lord, and I follow your commands.

May my cry come before you, O Lord; give me understanding according to your word. May my supplication come before you; deliver me according to your promise. May my lips overflow with praise, for you teach me your decrees. May my tongue sing of your word, for all your commands are righteous. May your hand be ready to help me, for I have chosen your precepts. I long for your salvation, O Lord, and your law is my delight. Let me live that I may praise you, and may your laws sustain me. I have strayed like a lost sheep. Seek your servant, for I have not forgotten your commands.

Too long have I lived among those who hate peace. I am a man of peace; but when I speak, they are for war.

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord; O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared. I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done. I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Answer me quickly, O Lord, my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.

-psalms

Loving Life

2009-02-20T19:33:00.006-05:00

Dear president Jack-sun you are mineeeeeeZ!!

Loving Life.

enrapture (verb) - to move to rapture; delight beyond measure
Daily, I seek to be enraptured by the joys of life. As of late in particular, it is an occurrence so ubiquitous, an unending accompaniment to the daily motions of my existence, that the greatness of it's rewards cannot be quantified in any type of measure.

...............................................to infinity, and beyond.

Belief Makes Things Real

2009-02-17T23:30:00.010-05:00

"Belief". Why do I love that word?
Because once belief becomes a deep, rooted conviction,
it's what drives you, what makes you try,
it's what guides you, as you go along for the ride,
it's what you abide to, what makes you truly strive.

Every single one of your thoughts, and subsequent actions, are predicated on some sort of belief, whether it be conscious or not. And my beliefs, are finally going from revisionist to absolute, from the initial realm of possibility, to opinion, to belief, and finally to a deep conviction. I will reveal this conviction further down. But this deep conviction can only be repealed by
1. completion
2. revolutionary (and I mean revolutionary) epiphany
3. a smart, beautiful, sophisticated woman.

1 will happen eventually. With 2, I've done my research, and with 99.5% confidence doubt this will happen until 1 does. And with 3. ...you never know. It could be tomorrow.

With the conviction in place, things will get done while I have the time to do it. And when things are done, I will reopen and revise again. But for now, I've read enough, I've seen enough viewpoints, I've heard enough. There has to come a point where you resolve to a conviction. And I'm sticking to my guns, my path to which I have the greatest chance of success/happiness/eudemia....be it right or wrong. And that conviction is of "cash money over everything, it's in my blood, I feel it running in every vein".

Because even if it's wrong, no harm done. Only unending opportunity.
But there are two caveats.
1. I can't experience death.
2. I must always stay aware and conscious of myself, and never fall into a fallacious stagnancy in which I revel in wealth and fall victim to temptation, forgetting my mission, what I truly seek.

With regards to 2, I am quite certain that this will not happen as the events which have occurred in my life have prepped me quite well to hold steadfast. With regards to 1, ...God be with me.

And that is the chance I take. Albeit a potentially tremendously devastating one. The chances are ever so slim, but the consequences are irreparable. Because going on this path and experiencing death may mean ...hell. Literally, hell. But then again, I am seeking everyday, toiling everyday, begging everyday to a God should he exist. And who knows? It might happen along the way, maybe these two goals are not irreconcilable.

But in case they are not, I am deeply convicted at this point. It's all or nothing. That's how things ought to be. There is no gray, no partial winners, no partial losers, no partial humans, no partial animals, no partial Christians or non-Christians. It means nothing to be in the gray. You either are or you aren't.

And to that..........

here

we

go.

belief makes things real, makes things feel, feel alright. -gavin

Worldviews

2009-02-15T23:43:00.013-05:00

I don't think people realize how the worldviews of your generation/age shape your thoughts and perceptions. I'm really much to lazy to expand on this thought, as I've no time. But here's a quote to reaffirm this same notion:

"How curious, after all, is the way in which we moderns think about our world! And it is all so novel, too. The cosmology underlying our mental processes is but three centuries old - a mere infant in the history of thought - and yet we cling to it with the same embarrassed zeal with which a young father fondles his new-born baby. Like him, we are ignorant enough of its precise nature; like him we nevertheless take it piously to be ours and allow it a subtly pervasive and un-hindered control over our thinking." - Introduction of the book Metaphysical Foundations of Modern Science by E.A. Burtt

I haven't read this book yet, I just started, but I've always felt this way. Born in a Chinese dynasty? Life's purpose takes on a whole different meaning and it's assigned a different worth. Born during the Middle Ages? Your whole life's actions are already predetermined by the class you're born into. Born white in the 19th century United States? Your definition of the word "human being" is absurdly distorted as compared to what it means today. Born in sub-Saharan Africa? ......you're just basically FU*CKED. Also, how we view mankind, purpose, worth, perspective, role, direction, success, fulfillment - all these things...depending on when and where, have differed tremendously. And in the future it will as well - I can promise you that.

So why is it that we take it that our current notions and tenets... upon which your perspectives and perceptions are dependent on, upon which subsequent actions take place... are correct? ...as if they are absolute? Those very notions and tenets are the basis for how we operate, make "rational" decisions upon, ... LIVE by. So how can you unconsciously accept them? Many do. To many, what I'm saying won't even make sense, because they can't distinguish these foundations, what constitute their worldviews. Because they've never considered an alternate, or learned to apply an alternate perspective to their life, even if just fleetingly. I mean, you can't know anything but, simply, what you know. (Like, you've always worn blue-shaded glasses, you CAN't know what it's like to view the world in shades of purple.) I can't live like that though. I'll be inquiring and revising mine incessantly til death.

That's all. It was merely a skin scratching analyzation, but as I said above, I wasn't even going to explicate at allll.

Anyway. I LOVE MY LIFE. My problems are joyous ones (if that's even possible) and incredibly gratifying compared to alternate ones which exist in this world. Problems lead to solutions. And that's my expertise ;D.

I ain't afraid of dying, I'm afraid of not trying. Everyday hit every wave, like I'm Hawaiian.

V-day

2009-02-14T09:22:00.009-05:00

valentine's day! the google icon is cool =)
I'm so fine, don't have to pay me no mind, make every passing second worth my time, yeah, I'll be the first one to step out of line, life is my valentine and my mission is to make her mine, because every second I've learned how to shine, yeah...I won't take this rhyme to another line, but just so you know, I'm always looking forward never behind, and really...I'm so fine.

yeah...but i guess a little bit i lied, because another place another time, if i were to find, a woman so fine, a dazzling dime, that'd be a cancer ...but one so beautiful, benign...and I don't see how I could ever mind.

Self-Interp.

2009-02-13T18:00:00.009-05:00

"For you, counting days on your calendar. I don't care at ALL how other people treat you. I just want to let you know, I'm out there, and I promise you're not missing anything. For real.

I know the times seem long, just try and keep strong, put on your headphones and rewind this song. Remember, you're not missing anything, I promise, you're not missing anything.
The future will be just as bright as you dream it, your lady will be just as beautiful as you know it. I promise... on everyyything.

My pops did a decade, came home hit the ground running, getting paid, like he never did a day. Hit his dreams, came back, and everybody was still here, still around. Cause life goes on, and the only two days that mean something is the day you decide to make a change, and the day that change happens. It might seem like the world is passing you by, like everyday something happens that you're missing out on. You don't have a girlfriend and all your friends are out having fun, but don't worry about it or stress about it, because you know what? The time will do itself, all you have to do is show up. Keep laying down, waking up, and thanking the Lord, and before you know it he's gonna open the doors. True story. Just prepare yourself for it, if you don't have a plan, what do you need a second chance for? Shoot..... You're just going to blow it. Learn and visualize what you're trying to do, and do the time, don't let the time do you. They say time flies, and right now its hard to believe coming from me, but when it happens, I won't have to say anything, you'll see for yourself.

I know the times seem long, just try and keep strong, put on your headphones and rewind this song. Remember, you're not missing anything, I promise, you're not missing anything.
The future will be just as bright as you dream it, your lady will be just as beautiful as you know it. I promise... on everyyything.

Yeah, so right now, just stay locked down, in that state of mind, lay in your bed, pray that God'll get you through it, as you say, over and over in your head, "Yeah, next time, I'll be straigght. Just count down to that day. Piece of cake." Look around at those who've done it, they're in such good spirits no matter what the adversity, adversity that's incomparably greater than what you're going through. Got me thinking that I've got absolutely nothing to complain about. Cause it could always be worse, for sure, so if you're waiting on me to lose hope, you've got to kill me first. Yeah, you don't know it but that beautiful lady misses you as much as you do she, and when you're finished with change and released, yeah, we'll laugh, reminisce for a minute and then, you'll see the impact of the changes you've made. It'll never be the same type of life again. So if it seems like you're being left behind, ten steps behind, just know, everything will be better in time."

I promise, on "er' vuhree thang."

You ain't missin' nothin - T.I.
This is how I self-interpret "gangster" rap when I listen to it. Which is why I love rap. If you can look past the stereotypes, false associations, and stigmas, it tells an all too beautiful, real, and honest story. hehehe

Altruism

2009-02-12T18:45:00.016-05:00

Pure altruism. Acting with absolutely no self-interest, with absolutely no sense of obligation, with absolutely no other motive except to lift up another. The act does you no good, it doesn't bestow upon you any 'good feelings' because you think you're doing something for someone, it doesn't present any self-satisfaction whatsoever. It is an act that is done because it is the right thing to do, derived from the absolute fact that they are a human being, as you are. If you're a Christian, it is derived from the fact that they are a child of God, as you are. Every single human being is on the same plane. You don't ever mention the act, you don't ever tell anyone, you don't tell yourself that it was a "good" thing to do. Because it wasn't. What makes that act so great? What makes you believe that you are entitled to any sense of self-gratification? Because what you've done needs to be qualified and exalted by your own pride? By other's approval? By telling anyone, including yourself, you invite, however minimal, a self-glorification, a quantification of worth and a relative comparison thereof, and that, makes the act mean absolutely nothing. It doesn't matter what the outcome, whether you helped feed a homeless guy for one day. One burger, one day? For what? To what end? For what purpose? To aid in your self-satisfaction, your delusional sense of worth? I'd rather starve.

People who are recipients of perceived acts of altruism don't want it because of sympathy, don't want it because you think you're a better person, a richer person, or somehow "above" and in a position to do such. Let me take that back. Some indeed do, because they have no sense of self-worth, no sense of being, no sense of self-responsibility. But they ought not to. Because the act of the individual who performs that perceived act of altruism didn't do it for your being. They did it for themselves. And to that, I would never take.

"It doesn't make a difference to me." "That's their own fault" "What difference does it make?" "What do I get out of it?" Phrases which impassionate me.

Now, don't take this out of context. You can say, "What do I get out of it?" and other such phrases. I say those phrases above whenever needed. If someone tells you to give them a 100 bucks, you don't just give them a hundred bucks. BUT... you don't NOT do something to aid another being because it has no bearing on your self-interest, and even more, you DON'T do something to aid another being if it is out of self-interest and you distort perception (yours AND/OR other's) that has no bearing on your self-interest if it indeed does (whether you're conscious of it, semi-conscious of it, or unconscious to it....the latter to which... God be with you.)

Many a days, my blood boils, my brain toils, but I always bounce back like recoil. Because what you do defines who you are. Not what others think you do, or what you deceive yourself to believe you do.
Yeah. Good music anyone?

I wish I could be,
every little thing you wanted,
all the time.

don't lift me up, don't lift me up tonight.
cause soon, nothing will be right at all.
Salvation...
is when you find out who you are...
...too late to change.

Progress, Part 2

2009-02-10T10:27:00.007-05:00

Two blog posts in one day, hardly the most practical nor prudent use of my time, but then again, the previous one was last night, and this is in the morning. And, a somewhat special occasion.

Getting off my ass... Screw the LSAT studying, I'll do it over the summer and take the exam in September instead of June, no biggie.
Holla. Annapolis, 9 a.m., tommorow.
=) that's all. I needed to extrude (this word is to become a large part of my vocabulary, and I don't care if it's used in a context slightly misplaced or misconstrued, it's my word damnit!) my excitement in some form or fashion.

"...for since God has given each of us some light to distinguish the true from the false, I would not have believed I ought to rest content for a single moment with the opinions of others, had I not proposed to use my own judgment to examine them when there would be time; and I would not have been able to free myself of scruples in following these opinions, had I not hoped that I would not, on that account, lose any opportunity of finding better ones, in case there were any. And finally, I could not have limited my desires or have been content, had I not followed a path by which, thinking I was assured of acquiring all the knowledge of which I was capable, I thought I was assured by the same means of the knowledge of all, the true goods that would ever be in my power."
excerpt from Discourse on Method by Descartes, my homeboy, my brother from another time.

Since my inception, fuck perception, go with what makes sense
Since I know what i'm up against
We must decide what's most imporr tant
And i can't help the poor if i'm one of them
So i get rich and give back
To me that's the win, win

music invigorates like no other medium.

Progress

2009-02-10T00:28:00.006-05:00

Haha. This blog post started off as an away message on AIM. Then, I came to the enamoring realization that this definitely did not belong there, and that evidently, it belonged on my blog! How sadly copious these instances seem to be. Sigh. Lo and behold, at least the light switch does still work. Haha. Okay, here it is.

I think ive finally come to grips with
1. the magnanimity of death
2. the fact that i will never know anything. ANYTHING. relative to absolute truth. 100 years from now, the tenets of everyone's worldviews - the perceived "facts" we take for granted which are almost certainly wrong, the basis by which we all perceive, the foundational, unconscoius groundwork by which we construct our views, thoughts - will be different, as is always the case every flippin century.
3. that all you can do is try. and that it is almost an obligation.
4. the magnanimity of death

and interestingly enough,
the amount of desolation it creates has gotten so devastating...it creates peace. I am finally at peace. the self-torture, the toiling nights, the daily incessant scrumming (is that even a word) of thoughts throughout the day, it's all gone. I'm making substantial progress in my singular life's endeavors day-in and day-out, as I should have been doing, - no wait, everything I've gone through has been a process to produce this outcome, so I can't really say that... maybe I wish it went faster, without a detriment to the quality of the production process? but then again.. some people never go through all the steps ever...anyway - and um, oh yeah, I've finally accepted that it's all I can do. Because it took so long, because I was so unfulfilled, everything to follow will be that much greater. =)

It's like I started digging a huge hole because I couldn't believe that it went on forever. And others may have dug a little, maybe others more, then settled. But since I dug for so long and for so hard, with such disbelief and such soul-searching, I will fill that hole with greater dedication and greater passion, a greater devotion and therefore a greater aptitude for success.

I built my ship like NOAHS ARK, that's what I'm sayin brahs, and babes, this ark is doing things and going places.

shrug, and it feels .........great.

Continuity of Thought

2009-02-08T12:10:00.010-05:00

The "anti-theft" lunch bag...hahahahahahahahahHAHAHHAHAhahaahaha. great, just great.
ANYWAY,

So when you're in a great state of mind and you go to sleep...what happens upon awakening?

For me, I wake up, and the Etch-a-Sketch has been shaken. I lose all continuity of thought. Why is that? It's so annoying! So lately I've been going to sleep with the deliberate intention to retain a continuity of thought, and it's been working out.......to a certain extent. I know the basis of my state of mind to which I hibernated to, but ...it's foundations must be re-inforced, per se. I need to re-energize it, re-invigorate it, remind it of how and why it was that way.

Really, what a waste of time and energy. I wish there was a way around it, a way of more efficient and effective remembrance. That way, there would be no lapses, no gaps, no waste of any time.

I'll get there.

=)

on another note, I realized at the beginning of the year how much confidence I lacked. Self-perceptively, I didn't think I lacked much, until I acquired a much higher level of confidence and self-comfort. Then I compared with the old, and realized I was a little old bitch, relative to my old self of course, not to any of you =). The song that actually helped me realize it was "Dr.Carter - Lil Wayne". I wont expound. I am now real, confident, and comfortable. I don't need any self-gratification or quantification of worth on the basis of social acceptances, relationships, or perceptions. I'm glad I'm growing up, perhaps more and more like my father? But a derivative thereof. I'll take the good qualities, but that's all. =) Have a nice dayyy jigs.

however, i'm better, if not now then never...
bounce right back on them bitches like magic.
and i swear to everything, when I leave this earth,
it'll be on both feet, never knees in the dirt

Music invigorates like no other medium.

subjugate (verb, used with object), -gated, -gating.
1. to bring under complete control of subjection; conquer; master
2. to make submissive or subservient; enslave.
I have yet to find a physical task, mental deficiency, or acquisition of a character trait to which, over time, I have not been able to subjugate to my will.

i'm back

2009-01-30T03:34:00.004-05:00

I guess I got my swagger back ;D.

been brimming with pride
got that confidence is back
all i need in this world of sin
God, my girl ,and stacks.

<3>

I am.

2009-01-25T16:08:00.009-05:00

School begins again tomorrow.

I remember when Mr. Roger Demaree, my "super-ubergenius" high school math teacher (yes it almost sounds like an oxymoron), threw erasers at me on multiple occasions. Because I would sleep everyday. EVERYDAY. in class. He'd try to embarrass me by waking me up and calling on me, but I'd usually figure out the answer, and if I couldn't, my attempt would be valiant enough that I could not be embarrassed. He knew I was smart - I was one of two juniors in our school to pass the first round of some national math competition the year before, and many of his darlings did not pass. I now look back and wish he had taken me aside and talked some sense into me. He didn't even re-enter me into the competition for my senior year, and my stupid self didn't even inquire about it, because at the time, I truly did not care. I knew he was trying to get to my head, through indirect yet poignant nudges, but at the same time, he wasn't going to act like or be my dad. Now that I think about it, I wish he had; maybe I would've gotten myself together sooner. I now realize how much I stunted my own intellectual growth by my lack of care and maturity in high school. And my first two years of college. I was such a stupid kid. My pure self-talent alone got me through high school and my initial college career.

But the past is the past, and the future will be different.

To be honest, I've never been more scared in my life.
I know my path will be long, desolate, and unadorned. And, I've still got about 4 years to go...with the easy part - school. And that, in it of itself, is not even remotely close to the word "easy". Not. one. bit.

However, afterward comes the true challenges. The real world. Where wisdom and rational, calculated deliberation must take place. In every aspect of every decision I make. Because I only make each choice one time, and there is no room for immaturity and laziness. Time does not go backwards, it goes forwards. I'm essentially dying now, so that I may find out what it means to live. And I'm not afraid to say that I have the ability to achieve what I am striving to achieve. [What exactly it is, is for me to know and you to find out.] I've always had the ability in every aspect of my life whether it be physical, mental, musical, or social. But I've never had the maturity, will, self-realization, nor confidence. Until now. I see those who've already achieved these and fine. I'm behind. But life isn't a sprint, it's a marathon, and I my foundation is better than yours and my ceiling is most definitely far higher. And if it's not, it will be. That's a promise. And I'm coming hard and fast. So we will indeed see how things turn out when it's all said and done.

And to be honest, I've never looked forward to something ever in my life, as much as I do now.

Self-tailored version of December 4th by the ROC:
now I'm just scratching the surface cause what's buried under there was a kid torn apart once his mind disappeared went to school got good grades could behave when I wanted but I had demons deep inside that would raise when confronted ...hold on.

now all the teachers couldn't reach me and my momma couldn't beat me hard enough to match the pain of my mind not knowing things, SO with that disdain in my membrane, got on my pimp game, fuck the world, my defense came.

bigger dreams, better schemes, brighter lights, ducati bikes, ownin professional teams
high stakes, no brakes, and what it all really means
"To be able to give away riches is mandatory if you wish to possess them. This is the only way that you will be truly rich."
Muhammad Ali

bose

2009-01-21T19:11:00.004-05:00

These baby's are awesome. So awesome, in fact, that if i turn off my speakers to which my headphones are plugged in, still, I can hear music!!! though it's very very quiet. =)

Oh, Maryland.

2009-01-21T09:58:00.003-05:00

Oh, Maryland.

I ain't a bitch but I gotta divorce them,
Have to get the shallow shit up off him

Lose one, let go to get one
Left one, lose some you win some
Story of a champion, sorry I'm a champion.
You lost one.

Playa Cardz Right

2009-01-18T13:44:00.007-05:00

It is far too easy to regress into the type of life which I have been living for so long. Why is it so difficult to remember my thoughts, my dreams, and my aspirations? The standards I set for myself are far loftier and perceptively excessive relative to those which are constantly explicated around me. I suspect that the very nature of the properties of thoughts, dreams, and aspirations have something to do with their ephemerality. However, in order for me to achieve such in a timely manner, I need to formulate a better method by which I am reminded every morning of my goals and my mindset, so that the day unfolds accordingly. Which is my task for the day.

With such remembrance, I act differently, speak differently, carry myself differently, and live with a purpose and direction otherwise absent; ignorant joy and complacency with regards to my immediate surroundings are dismissed, but rather a gratitude of my current surroundings is fostered while acknowledgment of the steps I need to take to build on my current situation takes place.

I'm not going for the same things. Have a nice day.

Goals.

2009-01-17T02:10:00.007-05:00

Goals for this year, ranked from top to low priority:
180 on LSAT. 4.33.
That's all. <3

kick, push

2009-01-15T18:04:00.001-05:00

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
an everyday grind!!!!

Over my shoulders I swear I'll never look.

2009-01-13T18:45:00.010-05:00

Everyday I ask,
Lord, grant me wisdom.
Lord, grant me peace.

But it can't work both ways...unless your peace is derived from trust in the Lord. And I don't have that peace. Because at this point in my life, I am not willing to indulge in the comfort of the Lord.

With wisdom and knowledge you see things beyond what is presented. And with that is a constant struggle. A constant deprivation. A constant lack of knowledge. The more you know, the more you know you don't know. If your perception of the world is confined to "born, grow up, college, fun, job, fun, family, fun, retire, fun, die." What is the point? How can you live without taking the time to examine things on deeper levels, to examine the whys, the hows, the whats? Constantly remolding your thoughts, your perceptions. Expanding the lens by which you view and perceive, cultivating the ability to zoom in and out, to acknowledge that your understanding of things is only a microcosm of actuality.

Analogy:
You are born only knowing fun. I.e., in the cytoplasm of a cell. You find out about jobs, college, family. I.e., mitochondria, centrioles, vacuoles, etc. That there is more than fun. There are concepts such as love, friendship, etc. But what do these mean in the scope of things? Some people live within one aspect. They live only in the vacuoles, "knowing" that the mitochondria exists, but having no real concept of it. They live for 'happiness' and satisfaction. Most live this way. Concerned about what is presently available to the senses only. I want to marry and get "this" job. Travel, and be happy, and die relatively young. They believe that is a fulfilled life.

Laughable.

Some choose to view the parts collectively, to zoom out, and see, that things construct... a cell.
And maybe they see other cell's laterally, the phospholipid bilayers of other cells next to theirs, though they can't see what's on the other side. Perhaps some can correctly grasp the concept of a multiplicity of cells? Cells which construct something? ...even grasp the concept of an organism???
And, you're not even close to zooming out to even bigger things. Not even close. NOT EVEN CLOSE.

But still, your whole perception is shaken, your views are challenged perpetually, your aspirations are not confined to the singular, but to the multitudes. Not confined to what is present to your senses, but what your thought can conjure. But it is accomplished through thought, remembering what you see, acknowledgment of existences of things you don't fully understand, the acknowledgment of your lack of knowledge, the acknowledgment that you probably don't even have one bit of a clue, and a desire to want to know. A lack of complacency, a cold shoulder to ignorance.

I want to see the world to understand. To see things I've never experienced in order to expand my perceptions, my ideas, my thoughts, my wisdom. Not because it's cool and fun. Because the more you know, the less fun it is. Because it will only breed more questions, never, ever, more answers. And I know, when the more I learn, the more I will revel in the inescapable grasp of. torture? unsettlement? desire of more?

Maybe one day I'll turn to a religion to give me peace. But I will do my due diligence in that regards. Accepting a religion through deliberation and acknowledgment, both of which follow a life of seeking and rational decision. Not accepting through ignorance, a lack of knowledge, and for the comforts religion provides.

Ignorance is truly bliss. And with ignorance, it is truly easier to engage in societal practices, focus and live within such. Once in a while I wake up, only concerned about the worldly, and in a blissful, upbeat, happy state of ignorance. I took recent LSAT practice tests in a few instances. And got a perfect score twice, and a 179 (one wrong) once. My state of mind dissected the questions easily. Really. Scores, of which had I received on the real test, I'd have a shot at Yale, Harvard, Stanford, even with a subpar gpa to their standards. Less than .1% of test takers receive a perfect score. But that state of mind is almost impossible for me to stay in, to live in. Its one based on ignorance and my world is entailed of solely what I see, and my "dream" of law school. And I can't hold that because my thought wanders.

It really is truly so much easier to focus, when you don't have a perpetual state of worry and questioning, blurring of focus derived from the latter, and a lens which is confused and knows that a microscopic view is incorrect, and fluctuates in and out in an attempt to settle. Of which it never does, and never will. I have such difficulty focusing and discerning things of which I know have no value. When I know I am seeking something that is perpetually and eternally unfulfilling, it truly is impossible to pretend like it is.

Sometimes I wish I was truly ignorant. I'd be rich, and "happy". And life would be dandy.

moo.sick.on.the.whey.

2009-01-11T02:45:00.001-05:00

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. =)
Life, I will seize you. You are mine.

don't you ever get too comfortable, johnny boy.

2009-01-10T21:05:00.015-05:00

to the left to the left
if you wanna leave be my guest you can step
feelin' irreplacable listening to beyonce
yeah, well okay, i put you out on your bday
now if you rocking with weezy
bedroom in the bank baby we safe
i got game like EA, but i wanna let you play
and thought i treat you like suffle
and dont i look at you like i see a new day
and dont i do what i do say,
im through talking now ima let you face.
lil wayne | comfortable

theme song of the month.

and honestly, i'm not there yet. compared to where i want to be, my confidence is lacking, my motivation is lacking, my skill set is lacking. severely. as always, i don't judge via a relative measure to the majority, but to a standard held by a minority. Which fuels me to work even harder, to focus even greater, to accumulate
certain qualities with a greater cognizance of their worth and of their consequential offerings.

plastered on my walls. tattooed on my skin. remind myself everyday.
until it is reflected in every action and engrained in my brain.

truly, i want to do what it takes to think the walk, and walk the talk in every aspect of my life. and i am not there yet, i ought to be the first to admit. though many times i don't. and many other times, i look around, and regress into a state of mind which is deathly,wastefully complacent while basing my own standards on the standards reflected by the actions of others. instead of remembering.

time lost never returns. and that is all.

ephemeral - lasting a very short time; transitory
Life is in a perpetual ephemeral state;
thereby, you ought to make the most of it while you can.
(The hidden premise, whether you choose to live by it or not, is that anything in an ephemeral state commands immediate attention.)

the sky is the limit

2009-01-09T23:27:00.004-05:00

It is what it is. That's all.
Tommorow, wake up, hit the ground running.
learning and visualizing what i'm trying to do, and doing the time, not letting the time do me.
moo-sick is on the whey.
re.set.my.mind.set.
That's all. muah*, gg.

eclectic \i-KLEK-tik\, adjective:
1. selecting and using what seems best from various sources or systems; made up of selections from various sources
The source of my highly variable range of interests derives from an attempt to make eclectic judgments. (proper usage? tell me otherwise.)

examine. everything. always.

2009-01-08T10:30:00.012-05:00

wow.
so for months/years i've been clamoring (to no one in particular, perhaps GOD) for an objective view of reality, an ability to properly gauge the relative worth of certain things. one thing in particular, i wanted to be able to perceive the imminence of death with it's proper weight, perceive the magnitude of its unwavering existence, and feel it's inescapable grasp. in turn i hoped that it would allow me to live properly. But in turn, this led to a semi-quasi state of "depression" perhaps, but more accurately so, a state of attempted discernment of relative worth, thereby leaving it hard to engage myself in what i considered fleeting, artificial fabrications (watching tv series, musical engagement, partying, etc.). But semi-recently, I couldn't discern any further than what I believed to be as far as it could go. I was ready to move on from trying to perceive objectively to finally living, with what I believed to be a better understanding, a better view of the world, a more purposeful life.
But after watching the movie "The Reader" starring Kate Winslet and Ralph Fiennes...just wow. I was confused, floating between my old state of mind and a new perceptive state. It seemed to only briefly exist and go away following the movie, but at some point the following day...it returned, and just, wow. This new perceptive state was indescribable. Utterly empty. Looking at everything around me was pure emptiness. Scenes of history raced through my mind, the utter fleetingness of all was a concept which utterly pounded my thoughts. It was a perceptive state of utter. complete. desolation. One of which I cannot describe. Things that were hours long seemed to take, literally, literally, two minutes. Nothing mattered. It was not a suicidal state of mind; no, in fact, i was wholly engrossed and intuned to the fact that I did not want to die. But this feeling of desolation seemed to rip my soul, my hope and my beliefs from my own. It was almost as if death was laughing in my face, telling me that I had no control, no choice, and no will. It, at the time, proved to me that anything I accomplished in life did not matter. Not one bit. The age of the Earth, it's history, the utter meaninglessness of history, of lives past - this all was slapped in my face. no, it was slammed, pounded on my whole entity. I had absolutely no fear of anything in life; only an absolute seemingly irreparable view of death of which I could not escape. I begged to anything out there to rid me of this, and if this was indeed a correct perception of reality, to allow me to be blissfully ignorant. I begged. and begged. and begged. and after a few hours - which felt like 5 minutes, 5 incredibly desolate minutes - I was reprieved of this perceptive state of mind.

WOW. to quote red hot chili peppers (- under the bridge)
"I don't want to ever feel, the way I did that day;
take me to the place I love, and take me all the way."
wow.it was surreal.

...back to reality.
saying some wack.ass.shit to a particular person while entering thatt state of mind. FUCK
office of student conduct contacting me about "possible misconduct". WTF?. FUCK
being dropped from my winter class registration. FUCK
7 AM EXAM TOMMOROW, when it's ben's birthday tonight, and I want to get fucked up. FUCK
lsats soon. FUCK
5 worksheets due at 6 today. FUCK
...but i'll gladly take all this over going back to what I felt last night.
crazy. shit.

daunt - to frighten, to lessen the courage of
He was not daunted by the multitude of seemingly perilous situations at hand. daunt.
phew, writing things down really do make you feel better.
this whole week has been crazy as hell.

hello brooklyn - jay-z

2009-01-07T16:11:00.006-05:00

galumph - to move in a clumsy manner or with heavy tread
Her galumph caused the floor to shudder, leading to the fall and destruction of an unsteady mirror by the refrigerator, and as a result, bad luck for years to come. galumph.

Mother always told me, Confidence, Composure, Character.

2009-01-05T14:33:00.008-05:00

They can't steal my pride, it's inside.
Then I find it and keep on grinding,
because in every dark cloud there's a silver lining, I know.

wanderlust - a strong desire to wander or travel
His wanderlust was not derived from curiosity or a desire to explore; rather, it was a result of his perpetual lack of complacency in regards to his immediate surroundings.

purple and black

2009-01-04T18:58:00.003-05:00

Bleed - to exude blood.
I bleed purple and black. Bleed. ;D

fortitudine Vincimus

2009-01-03T09:51:00.011-05:00

..Hope you don't mind.

precipitous - impassably steep; rapid, hasty, or abrupt
Though irrational through the perspectives of most, I could only think about the possibility of certain precipitously occuring changes, solely of a positive nature, which would inevitably result if i chose to follow down that path.

Belief Makes Things Feel, Feel Alright.

2009-01-02T12:09:00.009-05:00

Woohoo, tommorow, 11 a.m. ... hehehe
Anyway, ugh, Shower drain clogged, had to buy this:
It's working, I suppose. But after 4 doses and 40 minutes, not the advertised 10 minutes. But I don't really care.

I know I have this link in my info, but really. One more time.
64 Wallypower. Isn't this gorgeous? ...I'm getting one. heh

Word of the Day: superfluous - exceeding what is sufficient; unnecessary
...I learned this word a million times and I keep associating some kind of "super/awesome/superman" connotation... but it has nothing to do with such! rahh...
With the new year, I've really been able to remove any and all superfluous thought and instead have a lean, sharpened, fresh direction of focus. Superfluous.
or
My new 64 Wallypower will not be a superfluous material possession but rather a reward derived from future accomplishments. Superfluous.

;)

Belief Makes Things Real.

2009-01-01T19:51:00.009-05:00

bigger dreams better schemes
high stakes no brakes
what it all really means
when you beam and life gleams
and you've got more than you've ever dreamed.

come hardships come rewards come strife
cause its the first day of the rest of my life.

Word of the Day: Galvanize
To Galvanize is to stimulate, initiate.
Enron's CEO really galvanized the remake of Harvard's business school curriculum to include a greater emphasis on ethics. Galvanize.