No more rage, no more extrusion.

in the midst of writing 3 last papers before finals... bah hum bah
but, i can't stop thinking about graduation. i can't wait til graduation.
i want to meet people who can show me how to grow.
i want to surround myself in an environment that strives to go beyond.
i want to be me, without having the necessary condition of solitude.
people who know real struggle, people who are real, people who are conscious and aware.
people who appreciate every second, every relationship, every moment.
not because it makes them feel good, not because of some undue motive or unconscious reaction.
not because of social pressures, not because you don't understand why, not because you don't understand your own credulity.

but because you've been made aware, because you grasp, because you understand the magnitude of every action, every word, every moment. because of the important things which remind you - reminding moments that aren't fleeting moments, but real ones which last and permeate throughout everyday.

growing up has been a process, and i've got years to go.
then again, you never know when you've only got moments left.
really.

so live out your imagination, pursue your passions, and ask out that girl of your dreams.
before it's too late.


when i look to the stars, i know just where you are... you're looking down upon me.
fire | dead by sunrise

Remembrance

Sometimes we forget. Sometimes we choose to forget. Sometimes we instinctively ignore. Sometimes we choose to ignore. However, through it all, we always have our reasons. Reasons spurred on by a cause. Causes derived from a happening. A happening which occurs - why? Well, I won't go there. But - remembering precisely, with objectivity, with distinct and clear perception, in relative view - is the key, to progressive revision. And you've got to be able to handle it. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's easy. Sometimes the hard part is the memory itself, sometimes the hard part is the honest objectivity. Sometimes it alters your mood, sometimes it reinforces it. Whatever it may do, you've got to do it with the correct mindset and correct intent. You've got to maintain control over your thoughts, or your thoughts will overtake you. In doing so - maintaining control - one can learn immense amounts of information about oneself, about perceptions (of self and others), values (of self and others), integrity (of self and others), and multitudes upon multitudes of lessons. If you've ever taken the time to write out your autobiography, to look back on the past in objective light - and not merely reminisce, but acquire new perspective - it's an immensely changing experience.

My only problem seems to be that my thought process is so situationally cognizant that maintaining the perspective I would like to maintain is a difficult thing to do - in environments/situations past where my perspective has been of a different accord. For the sake of being real, i'll say that one example is - hanging out with bethel people. I'm not the same person I was, but with bethel people, it's almost too much of a hassle to maintain current perspective. It's too much clash, it's too much separation, it's too much contrast, it's too much differential, it's too much "extrusion" from times past, from days of old, that it just doesn't work. It's the culture, the social stigmas, the environments. So either I have to relegate myself to a sort of self-abomination, or temporarily rid of perspective, and reattain it at a later time. Quite the predicament - because it's not easy to do such and reattain it, yet I want to be "me" because of the fact that I care about them.

Perhaps on a deeper level, the extinguishing of all fears and limits, the cognizance of one's absolute freedom, ...man, it only gives way to a state of PURE anguish. this is sometime i realized before i read kierkegaard, sartre, nietzsche - as shown in my blog posts - and im telling you, you don't want to experience that mode of thinking, that frame of mind, that perception, that reality. it's intolerable anguish. you probably don't know what im saying, but i tried to live in that mind frame, in the midst of pure anguish - but it's impossibly intolerable. you can't do anything at all. and maybe it's right, viably so. but it excises so much of what you can do, everything turns from real to ephemeral. joy is an illusion overtaken by reality. so, i choose to ignore.

And when I do things, my mind is always working. Don't mistake my actions for something theyre not. Probably 99/100 times, I do things by choice. but...
Rule Number 1: Never show your hand.


I act like I'm an addict, so wack, like I never had it, my approach so sporadic, but in reality it's a fact that...

"nigga i been missin, nigga i been gone, the shit that you just witnessin, i been on... and as for the critics, tell me i don't get it - everybody can tell you how to do it they never did it"
how come I always go back to Jay-Z? man, now that I'm about to graduate, I wish I stayed in Engineering and added Music Performance... I woulda been a sick wiz kid, now im just going to be a headcase. :] TOO LATE. :D

There is a necessity in separation.

Blog Post Organizational Layout Reminder:
first, [tangible concern/comment]
second, [intangible concern/comment]
third, [rant]
fourth, [interesting read/occurence expository]
fifth, [rhyme]

First.
I should turn in my papers on time... even if it doesn't matter.

Second.
It's so clear to me that life's options are so wide. There's always a dichotomy present in everything existent, and within each respective existence, the range of possibilities therein is innumerably vast.

Third.
Why can't people grow up? I'm getting tired. That whole mantra about "living in the present" ... it's so misused. The present becomes the past, and people live in the present, with respect to the past. It should be that people live in the present, with respect to the future. Remembering the past, living for the moment, in cognizance of the future, for the betterment of the future.

I WANT TIME TO READ, TO DO WHAT I WANT, TO PURSUE MY DREAMS!
I can't wait until school is over. 7 more weeks til graduation.

Fourth.
I live vicariously through them. lol
http://similarlysituated.blogspot.com/

Fifth.
row row, row your boat, gently down the stream
grab a jacket, grab a coat, let me tell you what i mean...
it's cold outside, through time we die, and nothing's what it seems
so grab your coffee, grab your balls, follow your biggest dreams...

before you wake, before it's too late
before life as you know it turns out fake
before you sigh, before you cry
before you realize the lie only seconds before you die

Showtime.

when I listen to Sarah Chang, it's invigorating. when I watch her perform at the same time, it's revolutionary. her absolute, supreme confidence.

even after almost two all niters in a row, 30 pages of writing, 17 graphs, 42 sources - I am WIDE awake when I see that lady perform.

Because I know - it reminds me with unabated directness - that, if you want to live, and not merely exist, life is a performance.










And it's always time to perform.

Better Never Than Late.

i love norah jones.
any time, any place, any mood.


that's all.
gotta go... we were late yesterday, my dear.

Tecnomar Velvet 90'

That's why I vie for the sky, every second I do dream,

Whispers pounding my ears, eyes scintillating with gleams,

Fingerprints leave traces, lips kiss out my schemes,

No longer expect yall to interpret what exactly I mean...

For a moment, split second, I too, forgot,

But better later than never, nothing, nada, or not,

Victims by the masses, shit, and I ain't tryin to draw lots,

It's bigger dreams, the only thing - everything that I've got.

peace

Feeling no remorse, feeling like my hand was forced.

maybe its that i love leading yall on
but really its because, i know my words don't belong
think what you want, say what you do
everyday i never change keep it real and true

from conceptions, perceptions, the pieces don't fit
an "inherent contradiction" and you think that's it?
skip along, sing along, and not even one goodbye
gotta let it go.. dont wanna blow yall high.

maybe it's in my DNA cause i can't lie
and i can't say something i don't feel deep inside
my pride, it burns, and even through the silence, it yearns
but from pops, its already learned... true concern yields no return.

"but it's this game love, i'm caught up all in it,
they make it so you can't prevent it"

"but until then,
i keep the trillion cut diamond shining brilliant
i tell you half the story, the rest you fill it in."